Posts Tagged ‘significant other


working out together

Reader W. H. writes:

Got any tips for working out with a significant other?

Dear W.H.:

Working out together seems like a great idea, and to some extent, it is — you are motivating each other, and that is awesome. But the fact is, matching your physical fitness goals with a partner you’re romantically invested in is actually hard. Personally, I hate working out with people, even if I am head over heels in love with them. The only person I’ve ever felt comfortable working out with was my twin sister. Since she lives over 2,000 miles away from me, I typically go to the gym alone and that is it.

working out

C'mon, babe, it'll be fun! Image: Ambro /

The fact is, we often fall in love with or at least date people who are not our “equals”, physically, mentally, or otherwise. Even if you’re both interested in physical fitness, chances are you don’t bench press the same amount, dance at the same level, or have the same ability to throw or catch a football. These latter aspects are things we tend to look for in a gym partner, not a life partner. This is fine — you probably don’t have the same work skills as your partner, either. Even if you work in the same office. Exact sameness is just not a priority for most humans.

Most of the couples I know who do go to the gym with their BF or GF split up to do their own things upon arrival — she hits the elliptical, he hits the bench press. I know a couple wherein the lady is a marathon runner and the dude is a body builder. They go to each other’s competitions to support each other, but don’t work out together.

That’s probably my top advice for you: go to the gym together and agree to meet up after an hour or so. You get all the benefits of having someone to spur you into working out without all the hang ups of working out with someone who is not your physical fitness match.

But there are definitely those couples who kiss each other between bicep sets, and talk to each other while they’re doing their abs. And there are those couples who run together. And I’m sure you can think of several couples who play tennis together or ride bikes together or whatever else. So it’s possible.

If you really want to work out with your partner, doing the same types of physical exertion, there are a few things I’d suggest you consider first.

What kind of workout are you looking for? For certain types of workouts, you need to have pretty much the same skills to workout with a partner. Running, swimming, hiking, biking, tennis… most two-person sports, etc., all fall into this category. My boyfriend runs a six-minute mile; I take twice that long. While we still run together from time to time, I often send him off ahead while I wheeze behind, because my lack of stamina doesn’t need to ruin his workout. If you and your partner don’t run at the same  speed or have a similar backhand, I would recommend going to the gym. At the gym, you can get on treadmills next to each other and run at different paces without losing each other, or lift different weights while still communing together. You could also join a sports team together, and play softball, kickball, or volleyball without having to be matched.

How similar are your workout goals? The biggest part of this component to consider is whether or not one of you actually doesn’t want to work out at all. In which case, dragging them to the gym will be futile. Don’t even bother. In order to work out at all, a person has to be willing to do so, period.

But there are subtler aspects to this question, too, though. If one of you is trying to slim down and the other is trying to bulk up, you could be slightly at odds. Diet and hormones have a lot of say in how our bodies look in the end, but people who are trying to lose weight tend to do more cardio and people who are trying to bulk up tend to do more bodybuilding. If your goals are similar, it’s a piece of cake; if your goals are different, you’re going to have to figure out a compromise — cardio one day, weight lifting the next, yoga together, spin class, etc.  Honestly, any type of exercise is good exercise, so unless you’re both really serious about your different goals, working out together shouldn’t be that hard.

Do you have matching levels of knowledge about the workout? Maybe she knows more about weights; maybe he knows more about cardio. Or vice versa. If you’re both pretty well-matched, then you can workout at the same things together (albeit at different levels, probably). Or you can take turns teaching each other about your specialty. I also like the idea of signing up for a class that doesn’t necessarily require a certain level of knowledge about the exercise. For instance, many yoga classes tend to have beginners and experts all mixed together, or spin classes give you your individual bike to work out on. This can help you vary your workout and broaden your love for your partner. Or it can make you hate each other endlessly. Which brings me to…

How patient are you with each other? This is actually the biggest part about working out with anyone. If you really cannot sit and wait for someone to understand something, or finish something, or do something right, you really shouldn’t be working out with them, even if you are so in love you can’t go anywhere without each other. How do you know if you’re capable of patience? Ask yourself the following:

– Do I ever feel the urge to hurt someone who I think is driving too slowly in traffic, has cut me off, or is otherwise inconveniencing my daily commute? (Or: Do I ever have road rage, even if I am not willing to admit it’s actually road rage?)

– Do I ever get unstoppably angry while standing in line?

– Do senior citizens and/or children annoy me? 

If your answer to any of the above questions is “yes”, I would not recommend you try to teach your spouse a workout routine, or how to play tennis, or how to pitch a baseball. Definitely split up when you head to the gym, even if you are similarly matched in terms of goals, knowledge, and fitness. Save yourselves. Love is not a salve for personality flaws. You might as well minimize them rather than exacerbate them in front of the person you ostensibly want to share your life with.

But if your answers to the above questions were no, then your ability to help your partner at the gym, or to accept their tips on your workout, might not be that big of a problem. Go ahead and run together, swim together, or lift weights together.

And lest we forget: there are other types of exercise that don’t involve leaving the house. Or the bedroom. If ya’ get my meaning. You can always just focus on making that aspect of the relationship a little bit more… intense.


the consolation prize

Reader K. D. asks:

If you are ever in a relationship and yet have feelings for someone else… can you make those feelings known, before ending the first relationship? Or is this completely taboo?

Dear K.D.:

Sure, you can make your feelings for someone else known if you’re already in a relationship.

But I think that’s both tacky and cowardly.

rolling the dice

Image: jscreationzs /

What you’re basically saying is that you like the person you’re with OK, but you like this other person better. So if the other person would have you, you’d dump your current relationship for the new one. But if the new one doesn’t like you back, you’ll stay with your consolation prize.

Here’s the kicker: nobody really wants to be someone’s consolation prize. If your current sig-o ever found out that you talked to someone else about liking that someone else, he/she would be totally crestfallen. And if he/she had any self respect whatsoever, you’d be dumped.

Unless what you’re thinking is that you want to tell your current S.O. that you’re interested in someone else. That’s probably not going to make the relationship last very long, but it would be the courageous and honest thing to do.

If you’re interested in someone else, other than the person you’re dating, I think you have very few options:

– Be honest and break up with the current one and THEN talk to the new one. Don’t tell your current S.O. why you’re dumping them. That’s just cruel. When it comes to standard, run-of-the-mill relationships, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. UNLESS…

– Look into being polyamorous. Some people are capable of sustaining romantic love for more than one person at a time. If you really like your current S.O. and like the other person at about the same level, maybe you’re polyamorous. However, being polyamorous can be like playing with fire. It’s hard to find other people who are polyamorous, and it’s equally hard to find people who will accept polyamory as a legitimate lifestyle. What I mean is, you probably won’t end up with either of your current love interests, unless you’ve talked about polyamory with them beforehand.

But from the way you worded your question, it seems to me like you’re dissatisfied with Lover #1, but would rather have Lover #1 than no lover at all. That’s weak. Be strong. You shouldn’t settle in relationships. If you’re really interested in someone other than the one you’re with, you’re probably not interested in the one you’re with in the first place.

Furthermore, it’s not fair to Lover #1 to play with them like this. Let them find someone who can be happy with them and isn’t scheming behind their back to get someone better.

It’s somewhat normal to like someone else when you’re in a relationship already. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you lose your ability to have crushes. However, wanting to tell someone that you like them is another step beyond just liking them.

So man/woman up. Be honest. Tell your current fling you’re maybe not ready to be with them really. And then talk to the real object of your affections. Sure, you may lose on all fronts. But at least you’ll still have your dignity.

And no, I don’t buy the “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with” nonsense in this situation. Sorry. It’s a cop out to not owning your feelings.

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