Posts Tagged ‘drama


girls with boyfriends

Reader D.K. writes:

I went to a party this weekend and met a very beautiful woman. She was a professor and studying to get her PHD. We talked for most of the night and eventually she said, “You seem like an interesting person, I’d like to get your number so we could talk more.” I didn’t even have to ask for hers! No sooner did she do this than her bf walked up. He was a really tall skinny drink of water. And while I’m no prize myself I was clearly better looking than he. Question is, should I follow up on this or should I steer clear of some potential drama?

Dear D.K.:

My immediate answer is: steer clear of the drama! One of my personal rules is that I won’t get involved romantically with someone who is in a “committed relationship”, whether it’s bf-gf, marriage, or whatever in between. Even open relationships are off limits to me most of the time, just because I don’t want to deal with the drama. I have no problem with other people doing whatever they want, but I personally will refuse to be “the other woman” in any situation. I also don’t have a competitive bone in my body, so if a guy expresses that he even likes another girl, he is all hers in my head.

That said, your own morality must dictate your actions here. If you feel you can withstand the kind of drama that is inevitably going to result, and you have no qualms being “the other guy”, go for it.


I'm sure she's magical. Image: Francesco Marino /

Keep in mind that she may just want to be friends with you. This is one of those “When Harry Met Sally” moments, where I have to explain to you that some ladies just want to be friends with a guy, and you respond that guys can’t be friends with girls because in reality, the guy just wants to sleep with the girl. Just because you’re interesting (and better looking than her current partner) doesn’t mean she’s definitely got her eyes set on you for any purpose beyond just getting to know you. Especially if she was willing to get your number at a party where her boyfriend was also in attendance.

Furthermore, unless she gave you her number, she’s the one in control here. You might not even have the chance to pursue her. If she wakes up Monday and realizes getting your number implied something she didn’t mean, she may decide never to call you in the first place.

Keeping this in mind, if you do decide to pursue things with her, you might want to clear the air from the beginning to see what she’s after. Ask her if she intended her advances to be seen as romantic or just friendly, because you noticed she had a significant other at the party. You’ll probably figure out what she’s after pretty quickly without having to ask, but it may be best just to know up front so you don’t spend months chasing after a girl who isn’t playing chase. She may be in that relationship for the long-haul, and you may have no idea what you’re actually up against. Your best route here is to ask her.

Maybe you’re the competitive sort, and even if she has no intention of breaking it off with her bf, you’re going to pursue it romantically anyway. I can’t understand the reason you would put yourself through that sort of hoop-jumping and heartache, but if splitting up couples is your thing, have at it.

One piece of warning here. I’m going to grab a quotation from Othello on this one: “Look to her, Moor, if thou hast eyes to see:/She has deceived her father, and may thee.” That’s Desdemona’s father, Brabantio, warning Othello that if his daughter is capable of deceiving her father, she may very well deceive her husband, too. My take on this is: would you trust a woman who left another man for you, not to leave you for another man? Just something to consider. Maybe you are better looking than her current bf, and maybe you’re more interesting, too. But I doubt you’re the most interesting or good-looking guy she’s going to come across in her life.

Good luck, whatever route you decide to take. She sounds charming and fun, and you may just get a great friendship out of the deal. Maybe she has some hot, actually single friends you could snipe, too — you never know.


ex etiquette

Reader S.J. asks:

I’m getting a divorce and I really don’t ever want to see my ex again. However, I live in a small enough town, and we have similar enough interests, that I will assuredly run into him at some point. What should I do when I see him?

Dear S.J.:

I tried to make this into a flow chart, but it didn’t work out. There are just too many factors that go into it.  I’m going to give you a couple scenarios. It’ll be like choose your own adventure.

NB: Some of these are really bad ideas. Bonus points for whoever can identify the really bad ideas.

1. Are you alone? Yes –> Do you feel sexy? –> Yes –> Is your ex alone? –> Yes –> Do you really hate your ex? –> Yes –> Does your ex owe you money? –> Yes –> Are you in a private setting, like a party? –> No –> Punch your ex in the face and walk away

2. Are you alone? Yes –> Do you feel sexy? –> Yes –> Is your ex alone? –> No –> Do you really hate your ex? –> Yes –> Start up a conversation with the words, “So how’s that infection treating you?”

3. Are you alone? No –> Are you with a date? –> Yes –> Is the date sexy? –> Waaaay sexy –> Is your ex alone? –> Yes  –> Make a point of introducing your ex to your new fling

4. Are you alone? No –> Are you on a date? –> No –> Do your friends hate your ex as much as you do? –> Yes –> Are you in a private setting like a party? –> Yes –> Get your friends to ask your ex to leave.

5. Are you alone? Yes –> Are you feeling confident and sexy? –> No –> Is your ex alone? –> No –> Just leave. You’ll feel better.

6. Are you alone? Yes –> Are you feeling confident and sexy? Yes –> Is your ex alone? –> No –> Do you really hate your ex? –> No –> Have five or more years passed since the break up? –> Yes –> Is your ex looking sexy? –> No –> Go say hi and see how the ex is doing. It won’t kill you.

7. Are you alone? Yes –> Are you feeling confident and sexy? –> Yes –> Is your ex alone? –> Yes –> Do you really hate your ex? –> No –> Have five or more years passed? –> Yes –> Is your ex looking sexy? –> Yes –>Make up and make out. Do it.

The basic idea I’m trying to convey here is that it’s a touchy moment, seeing your ex. Your surroundings can also completely influence your reaction. You’re going to have a rush of feelings — most of them terrible. For the record, I think that, as a rational being, you should be able to tame those terrible feelings and react in a proper manner. So in reality, options 1 – 4 are not options I would promote.  The whole “punching them in the face” thing or embarrassing them may sound like fun, but you’ll feel really bad afterward. And seriously, who the hell is going to get their friends to ask someone to leave a party? Suck it up. The break up is between you two, not everyone else in the world. Be the bigger man/woman. Either ignore them or leave. Those are basically your options.

Should your ex leave? Maybe. But the fact is, you can’t control your ex’s behavior. If your ex isn’t going to leave, and you really can’t stand being in the same room, it’s up to you to change the situation.

As an aside, for those of us that are the uncomfortable ex, it can be very gracious of you to leave, even if you don’t have those same feelings of hatred towards your ex that he or she has towards you. As a general rule of thumb, I try to take the other person’s feelings into account. If I think my presence is ruining their night, I’ll leave and find something better to do. Of course, I’m crazy.

Scenarios 6 and 7 are recommended for a later time. That time will come, trust me. After a lot of time has passed, you may find that you don’t hate that ex so much (or maybe you’ve got a new one to hate more!). If you can’t get your ex to move to Hawaii, just remind yourself that water under the bridge will heal all wounds. Throw in a few other mixed metaphors. That sounds soothing to me.

My last idea in this department is to have a healthy fantasy life. I don’t just mean a healthy sexual fantasy life. I mean all those things you want to do to your ex, like embarrass him in public or beat him up (scenarios 1-4), can take place in your mind. My shrink once recommended that I have an ex-bashing night with my friends. Get together and talk about how crappy the ex is, and then get over it. Water under the bridge, again. And maybe you’ll feel better the first time you see the ex in public.

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