Archive for the 'sex' Category

13
May
11

10 signs she’s not the one

Reader A. B. writes:

You gave the ladies signs they oughtta’ dump their BFs; how about for us straight dudes? What are some ways we can tell a girl isn’t right for us?

Dear A.B.:

Yes, we do love us some gender equality here.

Having never been a straight dude myself, this is going to be culled more from my experience of watching boys date girls, rather than my own personal experience. (The 10 signs he’s not the one post was actually a mix of my own experience and that of my dearest straight girlfriends, to be fair.) I think the lists can probably be interchanged, although from what I’ve seen, there are subtle differences between how guys and girls date the “wrong person”. Girls tend to get embroiled in more drama about clinging onto him; guys tend to get ever more removed from the situation and drift off, or at least that’s my experience. (Most) guys will put up with a lot to get sex; (most) girls will put up with a lot to have a boyfriend. Similar, but different, dynamics.

So here are some signs that I think you probably don’t belong with a girl:

carrots

Also, if she uses a carrot as a weapon. Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

1. You can’t be yourself when you’re around her. There’s a difference between being inspired to be a better person and feeling like you have to be a drastically different person to keep up with her. Do you feel like you need to take college classes, even though you’ve never felt that way before? Do you feel like you have to stop smoking, drinking, or watching baseball to be her boyfriend? Do you find yourself not spending time with your other friends because you can’t hang out with them and her at the same time? She’s not the one.

2. Your friends don’t like her. This is pretty universal for both sexes. Again, your friends like you, and they presumably want what’s best for you. If they don’t like her and are willing to say so, you’ve got the wrong girl on your hands.

3. You don’t have anything in common. You need to share some beliefs and interests or it’s not going to work out. Don’t let the thought of free sex mislead you into having a cruddy relationship with a girl you can’t even talk to.

4. She talks about marriage or commitment and it makes you really uncomfortable. This means she’s looking for something you’re not actually interested in. You should be honest about this because it can bite you in the ass later on. If you don’t want to get married and have kids, for the love of all that is holy, don’t date a girl who does. Even if it’s just you’re “not sure” while she knows for certain, you will get jerked around a lot more than you want to be. And, ya’ know, it’s not fair to her, either.

5. She criticizes you in public. A lot. This goes along with sign #1, but instead of being a feeling you have inside yourself, it’s something coming directly from her. If she’s telling you and everyone around you how much she hates how you smoke, or that you never take the trash out, or how you can’t spell, or how badly you dress, you should probably end things. If she likes you, she’ll be complimenting you, and even your bad traits will be cute to her. (At least until you’ve been together 3 years or more.)

6. She bad mouths you behind your back. You probably won’t hear about this until after the break up, anyway, but if a girl is complaining to her friends about you, it’s probably a sign you two shouldn’t be together. Of course, this swings both ways — if you’re complaining about her all the time, that’s not a good sign, either. However, I find that many guys aren’t really as willing to complain about relationship issues to their buddies as girls are.

7. Your libidos don’t match. This one was originally “you never have sex”, but I’m not going to play entirely into the “guys only want sex” theme in this post. Sometimes guys don’t want sex. It’s true. If either of you wants more or less sex than the other, you’re not a match. If you’re not interested in sex with her, it’s definitely a sign. If she’s not interested in sex with you, it’s also a sign. Sex isn’t everything, and all couples go through upswings and downswings in sexual desire. But if you two consistently don’t match, especially from the start, it’s probably not going to work out in the long run. And if you find yourself not interested in sex with her, but interested in sex with someone else, yeah, it’s over, or it should be.

8. You find any single trait of hers extremely annoying. This is particularly important in the first few weeks of dating. If you notice something annoying in the beginning of the relationship, it’s only going to get worse over time. Once again, don’t let the thought of free sex blind you to the fact that you can’t be with someone who talks out of her nose or expects you to pay for everything.

9. You don’t trust her. If you’ve got major jealousy issues, or find yourself accusing her of spending too much time with someone else, it’s probably not her — it’s you. Nevertheless, if you don’t trust her, for whatever reason, she’s not the right one. (It’s quite possible nobody is going to be the right one in this situation until after some therapy, too, FYI.)

10. You find yourself doing anything on the list of 10 signs he’s not the one. Because from what I know, boys react in those ways to a girl when they are pretty sure it’s not what they want, but they can’t let go, either because they can’t figure out a way to break up with her, or because they’re getting free sex, or who knows what else.

30
Mar
11

dirty photos

Reader H. E. writes:

What with digital cameras in phones and webcams, it’s really easy to take naked pics of yourself to send to your BF or whatever. What’s your take on dirty photos in the digital age?

Dear H.E.:

I’m going to draw a small line here. This line exists between “dirty” photos and “naked” photos.

In a dirty photo, you might be fully clothed, but insinuating something sexy somehow. In a naked photo, you’re baring all.

I can approve of dirty photos. I cannot approve of naked photos.

My personal take on naked photos is: don’t do it unless you are totally okay with your naked mug ending up on the internet for all to see. Because that is inevitably what will happen. Even if you think you and your current BF will never break up. Even if you’d trust him with your life. Nekkid pics get out, somehow, always.

boudoir photo

Every girl should have one of these. Image: Louisa Stokes / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A friend of mine once had some, shall we say, terribly personal videos of he and his GF on his phone’s SD card. He sent the phone in for repairs, forgetting about the data stored on the SD card. Lo and behold, the phone came back without the SD card. Who knows what’s been done with those videos? They’re probably on Red Tube somewhere, and he’s not making any money off ’em, that’s for sure.

And there’s another thing: people make money off of pictures and videos of naked ladies. So you wouldn’t just be exploited in that sexual way of having pervs look at your naked body without your permission; you’d be exploited in a monetary way, too.

Does your boyfriend really need a naked pic of you? I could see how you would want to titillate him, especially if you’re in a long-distance relationship, but I seriously have to point out that the risk you take in putting a naked pic out there far outweighs the delight he’d get out of the photo, in my humble opinion.

However, I am not at all against getting saucy boudoir-style photos taken.

I am, in fact, all for dressing up in some sexy lingerie and having your picture taken for your boyfriend. I think it should be classy, rather than trashy. You can even do photos fully clothed!

Doing a boudoir photo shoot can make you feel really great, especially if the photographer knows what he’s doing. They make great surprise presents for boyfriends. Or you and your BF can do the shoot together. Whatever floats your boat, ya’ know.

Of course, the same warning for these photos goes for the naked photos. If you’re not comfortable with the idea that your sexy poses could end up on the screen of some stranger, you shouldn’t have the photos taken at all. That’s the nature of digital media — they’re easy to lose, manipulate, and distribute.

If you’re totally cool with a bunch of strange guys getting off on a naked photo of you, then by all means, take those naked cell phone pics and send ’em on.

And let’s cover this right now: KIDS. If you’re not 18 yet, hold back on taking or sending those dirty photos. Things get hairy concerning child pornography laws, so just use your noggin and wait to do the dirty pic thing until you and your sig-o can both legally vote, mkay?

21
Mar
11

polyamory

Reader P. C. writes:

I am realizing that I have always had an interest in polyamory. There are several things I am unclear on however. For instance, what is the difference between polyamory and just dating more than one person? What are some things to be leery of? How do you know you can hack it in a poly lifestyle? What is the best way to get over the jealousy? And any other advice you may have regarding the subject.

Dear P.C.:

I’m probably going to get a lot of flak from a lot of different people on all sides of the polyamory discussion by responding to your questions, but I’ll do my best.

couples

Is polyamory right for you? Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

First off, I want to say I don’t advocate any one lifestyle for anyone. I can’t say that polyamory is right for anyone, nor can I say that monogamy is right for anyone. Don’t take my advice as the end-all be-all of your romantic endeavors. I also can’t say that any one course for someone’s life will make them more happy or less happy. All relationships are work, whether they are polyamorous, monogamous, asexual, or something else entirely. Don’t think that by changing from one to the other you’re going to feel suddenly fulfilled or that all your relationships will be smooth from then on.

At the same time, you have to be true to yourself. Monogamy is considered the standard in our society (although few people appear to actually subscribe to it), and polyamory may sound like a lot of fun, or even a more honest way to live. But it may not be the lifestyle you fit into. Furthermore, you may be interested in polyamory not because you are polyamorous, but because you’ve had relationship issues that you’re just not interested in addressing for whatever reason. My number one advice in all this is listen to yourself.

Okay, now I’ll dive into answering your questions.

1. What is the difference between polyamory and just dating more than one person?

I would say the biggest difference is that while “dating more than one person”, the person still tends to have the goal of ending up with one person in the end; this is not the goal of polyamory. There may be other differences; for instance, polyamorous people tend to have one “home base” kind of lover (a person they live with or the person they’re “in love with”) that they report back to, and the other people that they are seeing fall on a different hierarchical level. If you’re just dating more than one person, you probably won’t tell the folks you’re dating about the other people you’re seeing.

There are different ways to be polyamorous, too. It’s an honest to goodness lifestyle, and it takes a lot of work, just as being monogamous does. Also, polyamory is not “a phase” you go through until you meet “the one”. Keep that in mind.

2. What are some things to be leery of in polyamory?

As I’ve mentioned above, avoid thinking that polyamory is a great respite from all that hard work of trying to be monogamous. Polyamory can be even harder than being monogamous, and not just because you’re less likely to find large groups of people or counselors ready to support your lifestyle and get you through the rough spots. There’s jealousy to deal with; there are preconceived notions and reactions you’ve got buried in your mind that you probably don’t even know are there; there’s the ability to find partners who are actually polyamorous as well… the list goes on.

I’d also say be careful of being taken advantage of, especially if you are a woman. As girls, we’re often pressured to participate in sexual ideologies we don’t necessarily buy into — like, that we’re all bisexual, or that we should be interested in pursuing sex as much as the guys we know are, or that we should want to get married and have babies eventually. Some of those may be true for you; some may not. Is there some pressure in your mind to participate in a polyamorous lifestyle that is not coming from your own belief that you may be polyamorous? Think about it and make sure.

3. How do you know you can hack it in a poly lifestyle?

I don’t really know how to answer this one. Let me put it to you this way: how do you know you can hack a monogamous lifestyle? You don’t know until you try. Also, polyamory doesn’t have the same defined edges as monogamy: in monogamy, if you’ve slept with more than one person [while in a committed relationship], you’ve failed. There isn’t a singular rule in polyamory, perhaps other than “be true to yourself”. And it’s pretty hard to decide when or if you’ve broken that rule.

Each polyamorous person (or couple, or group) sets his/her/its/their own rules. These rules can change.

I say if you’ve really thought about it, and FELT about it (love does not involve just your rational mind; your feelings are important here, too), and you have decided you may be polyamorous, the only thing to do is try it out.

Ask yourself this: Is my end goal to be with one single other person as a couple eventually? If the answer is yes, then you’re probably not really polyamorous.

4. What is the best way to get over jealousy?

The problem with jealousy and other feelings is that they’re feelings, and you’re probably always going to FEEL them. The issue isn’t that we have these feelings; the issue is what we do with them. My best advice for getting through jealousy is to sit with it, address it, and talk about it with the person(s) who is (are) making you feel jealous. I think the time span for this can be very long, and the “sit with it” and “address it” periods may take several hours or days. Write about it; sing about it; access the feeling in a way other than through your rational mind. Then talk about it with the person or people involved and see what comes out.

5. Any other advice?

I’ve recommended a lot of books in the past, most notably The Ethical Slut, for learning about polyamory and ways to deal with the big issues that arise if you decide to adopt the polyamorous lifestyle. You should get reading, get investigating, and get a group of people you can trust to talk to about this. Polyamory is a pretty big lifestyle change for most people, and not something you just kind of flit into.

Also, remember that you are allowed to go through phases in your life. You may not be interested in committing to one person right now, and that may not mean that you’re polyamorous — it may just mean you’re tired of relationships. Let yourself grow and change as you must. And if you try being polyamorous for a while and discover it’s not right, then stop.

My final note is that I don’t believe there’s any single type of sexuality or love or lifestyle that can define the different emotions and relationships we all go through in our lives. It may be easier to put labels on things, but in reality, your sexual style is your own, and calling it “monogamy” or “polyamory” doesn’t make it any less (or more) so.

14
Mar
11

bigger girls than boys

Reader G. P. writes:

I find myself working out a lot lately. While it’s great to be in good shape, I am afraid that I am getting stronger than my male counterparts. Do you think men can cope with it, or do you think they prefer softer, more lady-like bodies?

Dear G.P.:

Good on you for being healthy and working out. Bad on you for having guys in your life who are threatened by that, if those boys do indeed exist in your life. If you’re dating one, dump him immediately. And if it’s a real issue with the guy that you’re strong and healthy, then you don’t need to be friends with him, either.

Basically, girls are leveling the playing field with boys in lots of areas — education, work, and even sports. Most guys are pretty used to it. And if they’re not, they’re clearly not the right guys for you.

weightlifting

Well, you're not going to intimidate anyone with two-pound weights. Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I took one of my Highly Unscientific Surveys to get some guy feedback on this. The basic response was that girls who are fit are awesome, sexy, and altogether attractive (at least physically). The guys who didn’t think fit girls were hot are the guys who aren’t particularly fit themselves. (Again, not the right type for you, so nothing to worry about.)

Most of the guys I talked to said that they would be less attracted to a girl who was stronger than them, but mostly because the girl would have to be huge in the first place. It’s not about competition — it’s just that most of these guys are attracted to smaller girls anyway. If you were merely stronger in proportion, i.e. for your weight and height you’re stronger than he is for his weight and height, it’d be another story.

What it came down to in my survey was that it’s the mindset that counts. If the girl is way, way more into working out than the guy, he’d lose interest. Probably the same way he’d lose interest if she was totally focused on doing anything he’s not really interested in — including video games, or TV shows, or poker, or whatever else. You have to have interests in common for a relationship to work out.

One friend said that it gets into his head when he has to keep up with his girlfriend at certain sports. “It doesn’t make her less attractive,” he said; “it just deals a blow to my pride.” But, he added, “I kind of like it. It’s new to me.”

Another said, “I find it hot when girls are better at sports than me.” Plus, he added, that if a girl was stronger or better than him at sports, it would push him to improve.

And that push towards improvement is what makes relationships worth having in the first place, anyway.

Finally, another friend said, “I don’t like girls who are super in shape. It means they don’t drink and smoke and hang out.”

Bottom line: if you’re a heavy duty body builder, then you may have a bit of trouble finding a guy in the general population who’s totally into your physique. (Or not — I’m sure there’s at least a fetish about it; and/or guys who are so secure in their masculinity they don’t mind a girl who’s built like that.) But being strong and fit is not going to hamper your ability to score a man. In fact, it’ll make it easier. Guys who like soft girls aren’t your type, so don’t worry about ’em.

02
Mar
11

calming the fear

Reader A. M. F. writes:

I’m a recently single girl who has only ever been in long-term relationships (think five years or more, and only two of them in my whole life). I just met a guy I’d like to keep things casual with, but I’m interested in having sex with him. Here’s the kicker: I have herpes. I’ve never had to deal with talking about HSV outside of a committed, long-term setting, and I’m not sure about how to break the news to this guy, or even if I should. What’s your advice?

Dear A. M. F.:

I once read some advice column in a women’s magazine that said something about not telling a one-night-stand about having an STI because if you use a condom, they (probably) won’t get the disease, and you don’t want to kill the mood. My first response to that was, “Wow, how very irresponsible.” I have generally always thought that part of being an adult is owning up to things that could affect other people, like having herpes.

couple

To tell or not to tell, that is the question. Image: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

However, I think there are more people out there who wouldn’t say anything than would. The fact is, once you reveal the fact that you have an infection to someone (regardless of what it is or how communicable it is), they’re quite likely not to want to sleep with you. Plus, many of the infections we get in our nether regions are 99% stoppable with condoms.

But there’s one kicker about HSV — even if you do use a condom, chances of spreading it are high because it’s about skin contact, not fluids. Even if the affected partner isn’t showing symptoms, it’s still possible to spread HSV.

And there’s the other thing about HSV — most of the population would test positive for the antibodies of type 1 or type 2, even if they’ve never had an outbreak. EVERYBODY has herpes. A Swiss guy I knew in college said to me that everyone in Europe has herpes and they just deal with it. Yes, I assume he was being hyperbolic, but as we know, the Europeans are far more advanced than us ‘Murkans (at least in the realm of being mature about sexual issues), so I like to take his words to heart. My doctor won’t even test me for it because she says if I’m not having bothersome symptoms there’s no reason to freak myself out with a positive test result.

So what’s an HSV positive girl to do?

I say you are definitely responsible for warning the guy that you have a possibly spreadable infection. He has to be able to choose whether or not that freaks him out too much to sleep with you.

Are you going to follow my advice on that? Probably not.

Kat’s Unscientific Survey of the Week revealed to me that most of my friends believe that if they had herpes, they would feel a responsibility to tell a sexual partner, whether or not it was a serious relationship. However, many of them also said that they wouldn’t sleep with someone who had herpes if they were told. So there’s that.

Some were more forgiving, however; as one said: “It’s herpes, not Ebola.” Most of my friends also said they would be a bit miffed if they found out after sleeping with someone that the partner had herpes, knew about it, and didn’t say anything. What this tells me is that you run the risk of ruining your future relationship with this guy if things go better than you seem to think they will in the long run.

The really interesting thing is how my friends who have herpes answered differently from my friends who don’t. The friends who have it said they often don’t tell casual partners, and simply refrain from having sex when they’re in the midst of a breakout. Furthermore, these friends have had trouble when they did reveal to a partner that they had herpes, even in a longer-term setting.

Thus, I have two strains of advice for you:

My “we live in a perfect world!” advice for you is to be responsible and tell your partners — every partner, every time — that you have a possibly communicable disease that they should probably know more about before they jump in the sack with you. You do this even if it will kill the mood; even if you’ll never see him again after you’re done; even if you’re not having an outbreak and haven’t had one in six months.

My “we live in the real world, dummy” advice for you is that if it’s a one-night stand, and you’re using protection, and you’re not having an outbreak, you’re probably not going to tell him anything about your little problem, and all will probably still be well with the universe. (I will tsk tsk you in the back of my mind, though.)

Of course, your situation is somewhat different, as this isn’t a one-night stand per se. You don’t want to be serious with him, but you want to have sex more than once (I’m assuming). I definitely think a friend with benefits deserves the whole story just as much as a long-term BF would.

The one thing you can do is try to educate him on the facts about HSV:

– It’s not life-threatening (in most cases. Someone is going to jump all over me about this, I’m sure, but the fact is: yes, it’s incurable; no, it’s probably not going to kill you).

– A lot of people have it but don’t show symptoms.

– It’s not a certainty that he’ll get it from you, even if you’re having an outbreak.

– It’s pretty damned widespread.

– While there’s no cure for it, there are suppressants that can help reduce your risk of passing it to a partner.

You can also send him to the CDC fact sheet on herpes. Or this ad-riddled site that took the herpes.com domain name (lucky!). It has quite a bit of good information, if you can just look past the crappy ads.

Do I think people who have herpes should only date other people who have herpes? No way. However, if you have a lot of trouble with telling new partners that you have HSV or are really embarrassed about it, I don’t see anything wrong with trying out those HSV-positive dating sites.

So there you have it. Survey says: tell him. If he declines sleeping with you, his loss.

And remember that you aren’t alone, and being HSV-positive does not make you a bad person. It might make you unlucky, but not bad, and not necessarily even someone who made a bad choice. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

08
Feb
11

pre-empting the friend zone

Reader J. J. writes:

I’ve gone on a few dates with a girl I really like. We’ve been emailing and texting and even talking on the phone a lot since our first date, which I think is a good sign. We’ve even kissed successfully. The other day we were talking over IM and she asked me where I thought the relationship was going. I told her I think she’s great and I want to keep seeing her. In response, she told me she likes me too, but she thinks she could see us becoming friends instead of dating (so I guess it’s not definite?). Does this mean I’m already in the friend zone? Or can I do something to make sure I don’t end up there? We’ve got another date planned this week. Any ideas?

Dear J.J.:

This is definitely a toughie. She’s giving you some mixed signals if she’s saying “friend” while still kissing you goodnight. But I don’t know her motives or her history or anything else about her, so I can’t say for sure what she’s thinking.

Yes, staying out of the friend zone entirely is your best bet for not ending up there. It’s an extremely hard place to get out of, if it’s possible to get out of it at all. But the fact that she’s already said she could see you as a friend worries me that you’re already there.

Here are a few things I think could be going on in her head:

Let's be friends!

Let's be friends! Image: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

– She’s afraid of getting hurt, so she’s playing it safe. If she tells you she thinks you could be friends rather than dating, she keeps the upper hand while you’re dating. She could just be telling herself this because she’s been hurt in the past and already expects things to go sour, and if/when they do, if she can convince herself she didn’t want you in the first place, she’ll feel better about it.

– She really does think of you as a friend and just isn’t totally conscious of it. This is the answer I’m leaning towards, just because if she’s capable of saying “I think we’ll be friends”, that’s what she’s thinking somewhere inside. She’s still giving you a chance, which is nice, but it could mean you’re about to get crushed under the weight of “well, I’m really not that attracted to you”.

If the first situation is the case, then you just have to be patient and act oblivious. Keep going with your romantic intentions and don’t stray into friendship territory. If she’s protecting herself, it’s something you’ll have to deal with in the relationship as a whole later on, but at least for now you’re not in the friend zone. Just ignore the “friend” comment and proceed as normal.

If the second situation is the case, you’re basically effed. Unless you want to be friends, of course. The friend zone is like a black hole that you can’t escape from once you’ve reached the event horizon. Even just dipping your toe in it means you’re sucked in and there’s no way back out.

But maybe you can try anyway. Here are a few ideas for your date, either way:

Go romantic.

Eschew anything even remotely “friend-like”. Make clear your intentions are romance, not friendship. Bring her a small bouquet of flowers or a similarly romantic gift (three roses? a box of chocolates? It’s ok to be generic, you’ve got an agenda here and the clearer you can say it through culturally-accepted symbols, the better.) Go out to dinner somewhere and split a bottle of wine. Lean in close and hold her hand. Go in for the kiss. Make sure there’s tongue. NB: I will NEVER advocate forcing yourself on a girl. If she backs away from your advances, let her back away. You’ll know for sure she’s not interested. Never ever do something if she tells you no.

Go sexy.

Make her dinner at your place, and get into a game of strip poker. Or give her an erotic massage. A generic massage is nice, but an erotic massage is a great way to get into the sexy (i.e. NOT FRIENDS) area without necessarily having sex. Again, don’t force it. If she says no or backs off or checks her watch and says she has to go, let her go. And I mean entirely.

Go down in flames.

Take her to a strip club or a sex shop or something along those lines. If she’s put you in the friend zone already, you might as well go out with a bang. She’ll get the hint, probably.

Hopefully you get the romantic response you’re looking for, and she’ll can the “friends” thing, and it’ll be something you can joke about later. Good luck!

28
Jan
11

FWBs without attraction

Reader W. J. writes:

The other day, a man I’d been talking to for a while asked if I wanted to be his friend with benefits. I suggested that would be ok, but said I wanted to get to know him better first. He came over to my place a couple of times for some drinks and TV and some physical activity (but no real sex). After these “dates” (there were only two of them), he wrote me on Facebook to tell me he tried to be attracted to me, but wasn’t. I can accept that, I suppose, as what it is, but I am confused. How is it that a guy would ask to be FWBs without first being attracted to the woman?

Dear W.J.:

I’m going to look at this a few ways. I don’t know the guy, but it appears that we are confronted here with the issue that sometimes certain guys feel they NEED sex. Like, need it so bad if they don’t get it they’ll die. Or even just want it enough that they wouldn’t say no if they were presented with it, regardless of who was doing the presenting.

My guess is that this guy hadn’t gotten any in a while and thought you would give him free sex. He probably meant “desperate booty call” rather than “friend with benefits”, and realized he didn’t really want to get to know you as a friend. After two dates wherein it became clear to him that you weren’t as easy as he originally thought you were going to be, he decided it wouldn’t be a good idea, so he “dumped” you.

Not so fast

Sorry, pal, some of us have hearts. Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Nice of him to be honest and all, but I would not recommend hanging out with a person who thought you were just going to be an easy lay, unless that’s what you wanted him to think. (Which apparently you didn’t, since you 1. didn’t put out  and 2. said you wanted to get to know him more… not something an easy lay would do.)

As far as why he would ask you to be his partner in sex even if he wasn’t attracted to you in the first place?

I did yet another scientific IM study of my friends to answer this one. The overwhelming answer was that, given a certain situation, most guys would be willing to sleep with a woman one time even if there wasn’t a large amount of attraction between them, just because sex is sex and sometimes you want it or you’re too lazy to say no. However, a friends with benefits situation would be too hard with someone you’re not attracted to, because a FWB relationship is based on sexual attraction, and not really on that whole friendship thing.

I mean, think about it. How many ugly hooker mugshots have you seen in your day? Girls with meth addictions who need the cash bad are never very good looking. Somehow they still make money. And it’s not always by sleeping with guys who are too ugly to get laid in real life. Sometimes guys are just desperate for sex. Period.

I would like to point out, however, that just because he says he’s not attracted to you, it doesn’t mean you’re ugly. You are not a meth-addicted hooker, I presume. He may have just gotten scared off because you were wanting more than just sex, e.g. a friendship (which is a relationship, lest we forget). He may have been attracted to you in a purely physical (desperate sexual) way before you started in on the “let’s be friends first” shenanigans. This whole “trying to be attracted to you” thing has some funny wording to it that I can’t say one way or the other, especially since I don’t know him.

But I can say he sounds like a desperate sleaze bucket who needs to learn that if he wants sex, he should either be a charming enough guy to get it, or learn to pay for it from women who are desperate as he is.

My advice to you is: find someone who’s willing to get to know you if that’s what you want. Don’t settle for a shoddy “friends with benefits” situation where there’s not really a friendship and you’re not getting any benefits. Unless you’re really desperate for sex, there’s no reason to settle for a desperate sleaze bucket yourself.

27
Jan
11

initiating a threesome

Reader S. R. writes:

I want to have a threesome with my girlfriend. How can I initiate this?

Dear S.R.:

The first rule about threesomes is: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT THREESOMES.

Okay, that’s not really true, but the fact is, if you ask your girlfriend directly to have a threesome with you, you are very likely going to get a drink thrown in your face.

So my advice is that you wait for her to bring it up as her own idea.

yeah right

See? Her idea. And he's not happy about it. Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Of course, you can plant the seed in her brain and let it take root. Ask your girlfriend if she’s ever considered a threesome before. Gauge what she thinks about it.

Note that by suggesting you want a threesome, you could really hurt your girlfriend’s feelings. She may wonder if you don’t think she’s enough for you. And if you are a complete idiot and say you’d love to have a threesome with one of her friends, she will never ever trust you ever again. You’d basically be saying that you check out her friends when she’s around, and that is a huge no no.

Not everyone is open to that kind of sexuality. In fact, from my highly scientific IM research, most of my friends are generally opposed to it. Even the dudes. The most common answer to my scientific study via IM (“Would you ever participate in a threesome?”) was: it depends. Most of my friends who would be willing to participate in a threesome would only be willing to do so if it was with two people they’d never have to see again (i.e. not your girlfriend or boyfriend). And many of my friends said flat out that they don’t like to “share”. Furthermore, the ones who have done it say they’d probably never do it again.

As I’ve mentioned time and time again, not everyone is cut out to be polyamorous. It sounds fun and exotic, until you get down to how much hard work it really is. Dealing with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy and feeling like you’re comparing yourself to someone is really difficult. And don’t forget the awkward mechanics of a first threesome. It may just be a total bust.

You’ve also got to consider that she may not be into girls, if that’s what you’re thinking. Most of my girlfriends would only participate in a 2 guys, 1 girl kind of set up. So what if your gf only agreed to a threesome with another guy? How would you feel about that?

If you do find out that she’s open to having a threesome, remember that most of the time, these sorts of things have to be totally organic. Scheduling a threesome takes all the fun out of it, unless you’re going to join a swingers club or make this a regular part of your lifestyle. You can post an ad on Craigslist that you and your gf are looking for a third, but don’t be surprised if you get a lot of unsavory responses.

If you’re going to have a threesome without pre-arranging it or hiring someone to join in, you’re going to need to be in a setting where it’s probably going to happen. Your best bet is to play spin the bottle with a group after a night of drinking at a house party somewhere. Or something like that. The point is, don’t force anything. Let it happen. If your girlfriend wants to make out with another girl (or guy), then encourage it. You may find at the moment of truth that you’re too jealous to go through with it. Again, let her initiate it,

But realize that really desperately wanting a threesome is the worst thing you can do to yourself. The more you want it, the less likely it is to happen, and the less likely it is to be enjoyable if it does happen. And if your girlfriend isn’t open to it, you can get yourself in a whole lot of trouble.

06
Jan
11

2 girls no sex

Reader J. F. writes:

I am dating 2 women right now, and neither of them is sleeping with me. I haven’t gotten any in over a year. What am I doing wrong?

Dear J.F.:

I think you’re doing a few things wrong. First, you’re expecting women to want to take their pants off. Second, you’re not dating girls who want to take their pants off, for whatever reason. It could be that they are waiting for marriage. It could be they want to be in an exclusive relationship. It could be that they find you unattractive. It could be because they think you expect them to and it grosses them out. First piece of advice: ask them.

If sex is really the only reason you’d want to date a girl, you should probably only date girls who are willing to put out, and know that beforehand. Put up a NSA (no strings attached) ad on Craigslist. Set up an account on Plenty of Fish or OKCupid and specify that you are only looking for casual sex partners. Make sure they know you’re only interested in girls that are DTF (down to fuck).

Then sit back and watch very little happen. (Depending, of course, on where you live. You’re more likely to get a response in a big city than a small one. And you are quite likely to get quite a bit of spam, and probably a few “professionals” who’d like to be paid.)

Are you serious?

"Are you serious? Sex? Why?" Image: Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Most of the women I know, even those that are totally open to casual sex, are turned off by someone who really only wants that out of them. It makes us feel cheap, even if we rationally know that’s all it is. We prefer a bit of subtlety, or even (dare I say it) romance, even if it’s just serving as a pretense to sex. We like to feel that we’re worth it. Blame society, blame the virgin whore complex, blame evolution, but it exists.

Yes, there are definitely women in the world who go for casual sex and don’t want a relationship out of it. I’m definitely not saying that all women want a relationship before they’ll commit to sex. But I am telling you that for the most part, even the girls who are interested in nothing more than a quick roll in the hay do not want to feel like they’re just a sex toy.

As a friend of mine put it: “Even if I was really horny, I wouldn’t just sleep with a guy who just wanted sex. Good sex for me requires an emotional connection, so it wouldn’t be satisfying to me if it was just completely random. There would be other ways to resolve the physical issues for me.”

That’s right, boys — our vibrators can do just as well as the one night stand, most of the time.

So maybe you haven’t been building up an emotional connection with the girls to the point that they’d be comfortable enough to go to bed with you. Maybe they’re waiting for the right moment. Maybe they don’t feel special enough to you to make it worth their while to put out.

If you’re really that bad off, you can get yourself a Fleshlight (they’re legal, although that link is NSFW), or hire a prostitute (which are not legal in the U.S., so I can’t actually advise that). I know it won’t be the same for you, but if you’re just looking to get off, that’s what those things are for.

Another option is that you are plain out not attractive, which is something you do have to consider. Women are less driven by sexual desire than men, and so we’re a bit pickier about who we’ll sleep with. In the heterosexual side of things, we as women control who has sex and who doesn’t, because we’re the desired object. You’ve got to be high enough in our esteem to deserve our sexual attention. Just going out to dinner with you doesn’t automatically mean we’re attracted to you. It often means we’re trying to figure out whether or not we’re attracted to you.

Being attractive is, luckily, something you have at least some control over. You can change things. It may take some work, but hanging out in your pajamas won’t get you laid.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Do you take care of yourself physically? While women are generally the ones who spend more money on self improvement (including diets, exercise, make up, clothes, blah blah blah) to attract a male mate,  it’s just so happens that women need some physical attraction, too. Put down that Mountain Dew and those Cheetos and hit the gym, bub. But there are even more immediate things you can do to improve your appearance. Buy clothes that fit. Take a shower. Shave. Pluck the unibrow. Wash your face and trim your finger nails. Make yourself worth throwing down on the bed. It’s really not that hard.

Do you have a good job? Shallow as it sounds, study after study shows that women go in for guys with money. (Generic women — not really the women I know. Or at least, not consciously.) Evolutionary psychologists say that women want a man who has good genes (shown by how attractive you are) and can be a good provider (shown by your bank account). In fact, we will even ignore the fact that you are short if we think you’re a doctor or a lawyer. (Sad, sad study, I know.) If you live in your parents’ basement and play video games all day, chances are that women, even those just looking to get laid, are going to be less interested in you than if you even just had a gig at McDonald’s. Have a job already that doesn’t have much prestige? That’s okay — but look for a better one. Go back to school if you have to. You should always be in a state of improving yourself. Women get off on hope almost as much as they do on a great reality.

Are you interesting? Beyond your job, you should have hobbies, friends, places to go, stories to tell. You would be surprised how much a woman can get turned on by the fact that you speak fluent Italian, or know how to cook, or make your own beer, or rebuild old cars for kicks. Disclaimer: a deep interest in video games can, actually, be a turn off for a lot of women. I’m not saying quit playing Halo or WoW; but I am saying keep that hobby in your back pocket until you know it’s okay to reveal the geek in you. If video games are your only pass-time or hobby, you’ve got some work to do.

My final advice to you is to put on the charm and forget how badly you need sex. (Invest in that Fleshlight, really.) I’ve always said it, but desperation is anathema to getting laid. By all means, ask a girl to go to bed with you, but make sure you’ve seduced her first. Otherwise, you probably deserve the inevitable slap to the face.

29
Dec
10

between friends

Reader W. J. writes:

I just got out of a long-term relationship and have been trying to teach myself how to play the field. I met a guy at a show while I was on a date with another guy and, thanks to the wonders of Facebook, found him and started flirting with him. I went on a date with the new guy and had a blast. The problem is that these guys are friends. Since the date with the second guy, the first guy has told me that he’s really into me. But I think I’m more interested in his friend. I also think guy #1 has told guy #2 of his interest, and this has made guy #2 back off. (I haven’t heard from him since our date.) So what should I do?

Dear W.J.:

Sticky sticky sticky!

One of my top rules of dating in multiples is not to double dip your stick into the same pot, i.e. don’t date guys from the same friend group. I can stretch it a bit here and clarify that you shouldn’t SERIOUSLY date guys from the same friend group, and/or sleep with them, just for the sake of being a classy dame. Apparently, many guys have absolutely no problem hooking up with a girl one of their buddies has let her go, but I just think it’s a tacky thing for a girl to do and avoid it at all costs personally.

two boys

Go ahead, pick one. Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

On the flipside, I won’t hook up with anyone a good friend has hooked up with for the same reasons. I like to eschew drama when and where I can. And if guy #2 is avoiding you because guy #1 has spilled his guts about being enamored of you, it’s possible guy #2 feels the same way I do about letting friends claim their own territory.

However, your feelings are what matter. And if you’re not interested in guy #1 and would like to pursue something with guy #2, then you should make that clear. To both of them.

Furthermore, since you’re being honest and saying you’re trying to play the field, you have the advantage of not necessarily wanting things to get serious with anyone.

Tell them separately what your feelings are. You can tell guy #1 that you’re not interested in him without bringing up the fact that you’re interested in guy #2, but it’ll probably be easier if the long run if you’re completely honest about it and say that you’re interested in dating guy #2, because guy #1 is going to find out eventually if things go forward between you two. You should probably also point out that the reason(s) you’re not interested in guy #1 isn’t because you want to date guy #2. You don’t have to tell guy #1 it’s because he’s a slob, or not very smart, or you don’t find him physically attractive. But he may want to know your reasons if he’s a glutton for punishment.

After you’ve settled things with guy #1, I think it’s fair to tell guy #2 that you like him. Tell him you’ve talked about it with his friend, too. (Boys don’t communicate with each other about these things. It’s the darndest thing.) Let him know that if he feels the same way, you’d like to pursue something with him. But leave it open. Again, you’re not in a hurry and you’ve got other fish to fry. No need to settle on someone right now, since you’re just out of a relationship. That should relieve a lot of the pressure, too.

The best rule of thumb here is to know what you feel and be honest and open about it. The only person you have to answer to is yourself.




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