is she over me?

Reader M.T. writes:

I broke up with a girl because I was scared things were going too fast, but I’ve come to the conclusion she’s the one for me. I want to get back together with her, but I don’t know if she’s over me already or what. How can I tell if she’s done and unwilling to come back or if she’d be ready to give me a second chance?

Dear M.T.:

Oh, you’re such a chicken shit! Just ask her already! Say you’re sorry, bring a bouquet of roses, and if she says no, then tough luck, you effed that up, and it’ll be your turn to get over it for real. Quit torturing yourself. If you’re worried she’s “over” you and the relationship, then your decision that she’s “the one” doesn’t hold much weight, does it? Go ask her if she’ll take you back. That’s the only way you’ll know for sure.

Think she's over it?

Think she's over it? Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Not enough advice? Okay, okay, I’ll keep going.

If you’re really not sure she’s over you or not, and you really think you want to get back together with her for sane, healthy, lovey-dovey reasons, well… Here are a few ways you can tell she’s over it, or is trying to get over it:

You text her and she writes back, “Who is this?” This means she’s deleted you from her contacts, which could mean she’s NOT over it. But I wouldn’t bet on her taking you back.

She’s said anything hateful about you to her friends, family, or social network. If she’s Tweeted that you’re an asshole, you’d be twice the asshole to think she’d take you back.

She has a new significant other.  If you’re still friends, you probably already know.  If you don’t know this from conversations you’ve had with her, you can generally find this out through Facebook, her friends, or seeing her in public. Of course, having a new BF or GF doesn’t necessarily mean she’s totally over you; it just means she’s taken steps to move on, which you should probably respect, unless you’re a drama queen and want to have a really bad Adam Sandler movie on your hands.

She doesn’t appear in the list of “Friends” on your Facebook profile (on the left side, right over… there, yep, you’ve got it). There’s some complicated algorithm that determines which friends go on this list in what order, but it has something to do with who’s been looking at your profile, who’s been looking at stuff you’ve been looking at, etc. If you’re still friends on Facebook and she’s pretty active on it, yet she’s not in that top 10, she’s probably over you.

She’s too busy to hang out, or it takes her a long time to respond to texts, phone calls, emails, IMs, etc. This probably means she’s moved on, or is at least trying to.

Fair warning: If you get a reaction opposite to that which I’ve listed, it does not mean she’s NOT over the relationship. In fact, the calmer and more capable of talking to you that she is, the less likely it is you have any affect over her anymore, which could be a bad sign for your cause. (But great for her, probably.)

Keep in mind that you’re the one who broke up with her, and I may need to tell you to stop torturing her, too. You technically have the power in this relationship, even though it’s “over”, and if your conclusion that she’s “the one” is just because you’re afraid she’s gotten over you and you want that power back rather than because you’re truly in love, then you’re going to have some serious issues in the future (in fact, you probably already have some).

I’m not saying you know you’re just playing for control, but you should be aware that it may be a factor. The y0-yo relationship is definitely not a fun game to play for the party who has no control over it, and any steps she’s made in a direction away from you are probably healthier for her if that’s what’s happening.

I hope things work out for you, however they’re supposed to go.


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