15
Mar
11

how not to be a tease (for the ladies)

Reader F. T. writes:

There has been a rash of guys lately who told me I’ve been leading them on. I haven’t been dishonest with them, but apparently they’re getting the wrong idea. What should I do differently?

Dear F.T.:

As ladyfolk, we are often less direct than we probably ought to be, especially with the malefolk. It’s kind of a double-bind issue: we’re taught not to be demanding or rude, but then when we’re indirect, we get called out for being “passive-aggressive” or “leading someone on”. There’s a fine line between “nice” and “too nice”. Furthermore, we’re afraid of being “overly aggressive” or “unladylike”. This is why we often don’t get what we want.

My best advice: be direct with the men and they’ll appreciate it.

My next best advice: Trust your gut. Know what you want. Do not settle. Half the time, we’re being teases because we just can’t make up our minds. So make up your mind, lady. Do it.

Oh, sure, telling them you’re not interested will hurt their their feelings. But it won’t be a long, drawn-out affair, which is what leading someone on is all about. If you just tell them you’re not interested from the get-go, everyone will be better off in the long run.

tease

Sometimes it's good to be a tease. Image: bk images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Of course, I do understand that you may not know you’re not interested until you’re on the second or third date. I’ve been there. It happens. This why I advise that you drop him after the first date if there aren’t the sparks you’re looking for. Yes, some people have a longer courtship ritual than the rest of us, but that won’t stop chemistry from getting through, even if you’re not kissing or holding hands. As the cliché goes, you know when you know. If you don’t know, then it’s a no.

Here are a few examples of times you can stop yourself before things get too hairy:

Scenario 1: He wrote you a message on an online dating service. You go to his profile, and things look fine, but you find out he’s got some trait that is a dealbreaker for you (e.g. he smokes, he has kids, he plays MMORPGs, whatever it is you swore you would never date again).

DO: Write him back and tell him you’re sorry but you don’t think it’d work out. You don’t have to tell him why.

DO NOT: Write him back a really long, flirtatious email to get his interest going, and then end it with: “BUT this-trait-you-have is a dealbreaker for me, so sorry.”

DO NOT: Waver on your dealbreakers. Dealbreakers are black and white. They may change over time, but if you know you can’t stand a guy who smokes, don’t agree to go on a date with him just to remind yourself of that fact. That makes you a tease. Once again, if you know from the very beginning you’re not going to be interested in anything further with a guy, you are technically leading him on if you pretend it’s going to be okay. Trust your gut.

Scenario 2: He’s kissed you after a second date and you just didn’t feel it.

DO: Write him an email the next day thanking him for the nice time but telling him that you don’t think it’s going to work out.

DO NOT: Agree to a third date with him. Or agree to a date with him and then cancel later. Or agree to a third date and then let him kiss you goodnight again.

Scenario 3: You’re in a monogamous FWB relationship. You’re allowed to date other guys, but you’re probably not going to be sleeping with any of them.

DO: Tell your prospective dates that this is the case right off the bat. By not telling them, you’re being a bad polyamorist. The first tenet of true, ethical polyamory is complete disclosure with all involved parties.

DO NOT: Go on three dates with the guy, allow him to give you a massage, let him kiss you goodnight, and then tell him via IM the next day that you’re already getting all your sexual needs filled by someone else but thanks for dinner. I can almost guarantee that he will not be pleased.

Scenario 4: You’re at a bar or club and this dude you’re not into asks for your number.

DO NOT: Give him your number.

DO: Tell him you’re not interested. You can do this nicely. If he doesn’t get it, and bothers you, and is noticeably drunk, you have every right to ask a bouncer to help you tell him you’re not interested.
NB: I have in the past advocated getting a drink from him and THEN telling him you’re not interested. But if you’re working on not being a tease, I wouldn’t advocate this in your case. Remember: We’re trying to teach you how to be direct.

Scenario 5: After a few dates, you decide you’d really rather be friends.

DO: Tell him you would really rather be friends.

DO NOT: Expect him to be okay with this or want to talk to you ever again. If he falls off the face of the planet, let him go. Do not pester him or invite him to your next event or write stuff on his Facebook wall. Do not text him telling him how great you think he is. Leave him alone.

UPDATE: LAST SCENARIO: You’ve told a guy you’re not interested and he writes you a mean, nasty email telling you you’re ugly or stupid or whatever. Or he calls to beg for you back. Or any number of things he could do to try and save face.

DO NOT: Respond. Block him on the social networking sites you have if you have to. Do not answer his phone calls.

DO: Let him have the last word. You’re being a better person by not teasing, so don’t let him drag you down.

Now, dear readers, feel free to share your stories of being led on, and let us know how you dealt with it.

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