FWBs without attraction

Reader W. J. writes:

The other day, a man I’d been talking to for a while asked if I wanted to be his friend with benefits. I suggested that would be ok, but said I wanted to get to know him better first. He came over to my place a couple of times for some drinks and TV and some physical activity (but no real sex). After these “dates” (there were only two of them), he wrote me on Facebook to tell me he tried to be attracted to me, but wasn’t. I can accept that, I suppose, as what it is, but I am confused. How is it that a guy would ask to be FWBs without first being attracted to the woman?

Dear W.J.:

I’m going to look at this a few ways. I don’t know the guy, but it appears that we are confronted here with the issue that sometimes certain guys feel they NEED sex. Like, need it so bad if they don’t get it they’ll die. Or even just want it enough that they wouldn’t say no if they were presented with it, regardless of who was doing the presenting.

My guess is that this guy hadn’t gotten any in a while and thought you would give him free sex. He probably meant “desperate booty call” rather than “friend with benefits”, and realized he didn’t really want to get to know you as a friend. After two dates wherein it became clear to him that you weren’t as easy as he originally thought you were going to be, he decided it wouldn’t be a good idea, so he “dumped” you.

Not so fast

Sorry, pal, some of us have hearts. Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Nice of him to be honest and all, but I would not recommend hanging out with a person who thought you were just going to be an easy lay, unless that’s what you wanted him to think. (Which apparently you didn’t, since you 1. didn’t put out  and 2. said you wanted to get to know him more… not something an easy lay would do.)

As far as why he would ask you to be his partner in sex even if he wasn’t attracted to you in the first place?

I did yet another scientific IM study of my friends to answer this one. The overwhelming answer was that, given a certain situation, most guys would be willing to sleep with a woman one time even if there wasn’t a large amount of attraction between them, just because sex is sex and sometimes you want it or you’re too lazy to say no. However, a friends with benefits situation would be too hard with someone you’re not attracted to, because a FWB relationship is based on sexual attraction, and not really on that whole friendship thing.

I mean, think about it. How many ugly hooker mugshots have you seen in your day? Girls with meth addictions who need the cash bad are never very good looking. Somehow they still make money. And it’s not always by sleeping with guys who are too ugly to get laid in real life. Sometimes guys are just desperate for sex. Period.

I would like to point out, however, that just because he says he’s not attracted to you, it doesn’t mean you’re ugly. You are not a meth-addicted hooker, I presume. He may have just gotten scared off because you were wanting more than just sex, e.g. a friendship (which is a relationship, lest we forget). He may have been attracted to you in a purely physical (desperate sexual) way before you started in on the “let’s be friends first” shenanigans. This whole “trying to be attracted to you” thing has some funny wording to it that I can’t say one way or the other, especially since I don’t know him.

But I can say he sounds like a desperate sleaze bucket who needs to learn that if he wants sex, he should either be a charming enough guy to get it, or learn to pay for it from women who are desperate as he is.

My advice to you is: find someone who’s willing to get to know you if that’s what you want. Don’t settle for a shoddy “friends with benefits” situation where there’s not really a friendship and you’re not getting any benefits. Unless you’re really desperate for sex, there’s no reason to settle for a desperate sleaze bucket yourself.


1 Response to “FWBs without attraction”

  1. 1 Brian
    January 28, 2011 at 10:58 am

    This sounds like an elaborate plan to make her like him while getting what he wants in the meantime!

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