2 girls no sex

Reader J. F. writes:

I am dating 2 women right now, and neither of them is sleeping with me. I haven’t gotten any in over a year. What am I doing wrong?

Dear J.F.:

I think you’re doing a few things wrong. First, you’re expecting women to want to take their pants off. Second, you’re not dating girls who want to take their pants off, for whatever reason. It could be that they are waiting for marriage. It could be they want to be in an exclusive relationship. It could be that they find you unattractive. It could be because they think you expect them to and it grosses them out. First piece of advice: ask them.

If sex is really the only reason you’d want to date a girl, you should probably only date girls who are willing to put out, and know that beforehand. Put up a NSA (no strings attached) ad on Craigslist. Set up an account on Plenty of Fish or OKCupid and specify that you are only looking for casual sex partners. Make sure they know you’re only interested in girls that are DTF (down to fuck).

Then sit back and watch very little happen. (Depending, of course, on where you live. You’re more likely to get a response in a big city than a small one. And you are quite likely to get quite a bit of spam, and probably a few “professionals” who’d like to be paid.)

Are you serious?

"Are you serious? Sex? Why?" Image: Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Most of the women I know, even those that are totally open to casual sex, are turned off by someone who really only wants that out of them. It makes us feel cheap, even if we rationally know that’s all it is. We prefer a bit of subtlety, or even (dare I say it) romance, even if it’s just serving as a pretense to sex. We like to feel that we’re worth it. Blame society, blame the virgin whore complex, blame evolution, but it exists.

Yes, there are definitely women in the world who go for casual sex and don’t want a relationship out of it. I’m definitely not saying that all women want a relationship before they’ll commit to sex. But I am telling you that for the most part, even the girls who are interested in nothing more than a quick roll in the hay do not want to feel like they’re just a sex toy.

As a friend of mine put it: “Even if I was really horny, I wouldn’t just sleep with a guy who just wanted sex. Good sex for me requires an emotional connection, so it wouldn’t be satisfying to me if it was just completely random. There would be other ways to resolve the physical issues for me.”

That’s right, boys — our vibrators can do just as well as the one night stand, most of the time.

So maybe you haven’t been building up an emotional connection with the girls to the point that they’d be comfortable enough to go to bed with you. Maybe they’re waiting for the right moment. Maybe they don’t feel special enough to you to make it worth their while to put out.

If you’re really that bad off, you can get yourself a Fleshlight (they’re legal, although that link is NSFW), or hire a prostitute (which are not legal in the U.S., so I can’t actually advise that). I know it won’t be the same for you, but if you’re just looking to get off, that’s what those things are for.

Another option is that you are plain out not attractive, which is something you do have to consider. Women are less driven by sexual desire than men, and so we’re a bit pickier about who we’ll sleep with. In the heterosexual side of things, we as women control who has sex and who doesn’t, because we’re the desired object. You’ve got to be high enough in our esteem to deserve our sexual attention. Just going out to dinner with you doesn’t automatically mean we’re attracted to you. It often means we’re trying to figure out whether or not we’re attracted to you.

Being attractive is, luckily, something you have at least some control over. You can change things. It may take some work, but hanging out in your pajamas won’t get you laid.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Do you take care of yourself physically? While women are generally the ones who spend more money on self improvement (including diets, exercise, make up, clothes, blah blah blah) to attract a male mate,  it’s just so happens that women need some physical attraction, too. Put down that Mountain Dew and those Cheetos and hit the gym, bub. But there are even more immediate things you can do to improve your appearance. Buy clothes that fit. Take a shower. Shave. Pluck the unibrow. Wash your face and trim your finger nails. Make yourself worth throwing down on the bed. It’s really not that hard.

Do you have a good job? Shallow as it sounds, study after study shows that women go in for guys with money. (Generic women — not really the women I know. Or at least, not consciously.) Evolutionary psychologists say that women want a man who has good genes (shown by how attractive you are) and can be a good provider (shown by your bank account). In fact, we will even ignore the fact that you are short if we think you’re a doctor or a lawyer. (Sad, sad study, I know.) If you live in your parents’ basement and play video games all day, chances are that women, even those just looking to get laid, are going to be less interested in you than if you even just had a gig at McDonald’s. Have a job already that doesn’t have much prestige? That’s okay — but look for a better one. Go back to school if you have to. You should always be in a state of improving yourself. Women get off on hope almost as much as they do on a great reality.

Are you interesting? Beyond your job, you should have hobbies, friends, places to go, stories to tell. You would be surprised how much a woman can get turned on by the fact that you speak fluent Italian, or know how to cook, or make your own beer, or rebuild old cars for kicks. Disclaimer: a deep interest in video games can, actually, be a turn off for a lot of women. I’m not saying quit playing Halo or WoW; but I am saying keep that hobby in your back pocket until you know it’s okay to reveal the geek in you. If video games are your only pass-time or hobby, you’ve got some work to do.

My final advice to you is to put on the charm and forget how badly you need sex. (Invest in that Fleshlight, really.) I’ve always said it, but desperation is anathema to getting laid. By all means, ask a girl to go to bed with you, but make sure you’ve seduced her first. Otherwise, you probably deserve the inevitable slap to the face.


4 Responses to “2 girls no sex”

  1. 1 Zkeller
    January 6, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    So as a follow up question to this post, what exactly do you consider a tactful way to “ask for sex”. I don’t think the “Situation’s- are you DTF?” is going to get a great response. (most of the time)

    • January 6, 2011 at 4:19 pm

      That’s a good question… if you’re doing things right, you won’t have to ask directly. But I think it’s a discussion anyone who’s dating needs to have. Ask her what she feels about sex — not necessarily with you, but in general. Is she waiting for marriage? Does she think it’s an important part of a relationship? Does she hate sex? When you know that, you can decide what to do with that information. I think starting with a kiss is a good way to go… 😉

  2. 3 Consuelo
    January 6, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    What the hell is a fleshlight? And does the fact that I’m even asking that mean I’m gettin’ laid enough?

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