halloween costume

Reader A.B. asks:

What do you think is the perfect Halloween costume for a single guy to wear?

Dear A.B.:

Bit late to be planning the costume, isn’t it?

But I can give you a few bits of advice. I’m going to spin this from the classic point of having a Halloween costume at all: getting laid. You want some sexy Chewbacca to take you home from the party. I know. It’s ok.

So here are some tips:

Group costumes mean you have to stay with the group.


Wanna go home with the hot witch? Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

If you go with your friends as pieces from the game Tetris, or the Cobra Kai from “The Karate Kid”, or one of the Super Friends, you pretty much have to stick with the group the whole rest of the night. True, you can break off and do your own thing, but at that point, the jig is up. Furthermore, even if you do break off from the group, everyone’s going to think of you as one of that group anyway. The girl who sees you will be unable to distinguish you from the four other guys who are wearing the same costume. And she probably doesn’t want to take all of you home. However, in a weird turn around, going as a solo character from what should be a group can definitely work out. It’s just got to be the right group. For instance, being Shaggy from Scooby Doo means you’re looking for the rest of the team, and inevitably there will be someone who will adopt you. Your best bet is to go as one half of a romantic couple, but it has to be someone who can work as a standalone, too. Super Man is always on the lookout for Lois Lane.

Be careful what you’re saying with your costume.

I personally could never take home the guy who’s dressed as Alex from “A Clockwork Orange”. It just says too much. That character is a violent rapist who can’t be rehabilitated, remember? Why the hell would I want to take that guy home? Even if it does show that you’re into great cinema, and you’re probably a bit smarter than the guy dressed as Batman, just be careful who you’re representing. Regardless of how hilariously you’ve rendered Rush Limbaugh, no girl wants to take home that asshole and all the connotations he brings to the table.

There’s a fine line between obscurity and absolute weirdness.

Yes, you want your costume to attract the right kind of girl, and if she doesn’t know who Hunter S. Thompson is, she’s probably not the right kind of girl. However, if your costume is too obscure, you’re not going to attract anyone. If it takes you more than one sentence to explain who you’re portraying before someone gets it, you’re doing it wrong. “You know, Rosencrantz? From Hamlet? Half of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? The two most insignificant characters in the whole thing? Tom Stoppard wrote a play about them?” Yeah, not sexy. You’ve become that weird guy who thinks too much and whose costume doesn’t really make sense. Welcome back to celibacy!

Avoid references to sex, regardless of how overt you think they are.

Do not wear a costume that screams how desperate you are to get laid. Anything with a fake penis is a bad idea. As I have so often had to remind my guy friends, we girls pretty much know you want sex. We’re aware of it. We don’t need to be reminded. And often times, the more you want it from us, the less we want to give it to you. Be classy about it. Let us bring it up, rather than having your costume announce it to the world.

Timeless Originality > Current Events

Basically, EVERYONE is going to be one of the Jersey Shore characters this year. And forget those Chilean miners. You want to stand out? Go as something timeless yet recognizable. Superheroes, classic characters from 70s or 80s movies, or Jungian archetypes are pretty good old standbys. Be Han Solo. Be a Tibetan monk. Be a cowboy. Easy to recognize, timeless, sexy, and bonus points for bringing up good, heroic connotations.

Don’t cover your face too much.

Masks add mystery, but they can backfire entirely and need to be used in moderation. That whole-body Grinch costume might be furry and awesome and totally recognizable, but if she can’t make out your basic facial features and/or body type, she’s going to be that much more reluctant to make out with you. While make up might be ok, covering your face entirely with a mask is a bad risk. The one time it’s not really a risk? When you’re in a skin-tight costume, like the green guy from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” or Spiderman. Then you can use it to your advantage. She can figure out just what your body looks like, and basically how your face is shaped, and you get a bit of mystery going for you.

Remember: by wearing a costume, you get to be someone else. While you may be the mild mannered lame-o programmer the rest of the year, for one night you get to be someone sexy that the girls want to take home. Use this to your advantage.

A quick list of some of my favorite, easy, sexy guy Halloween costumes:

– Joel Goodsen (Tom Cruise) from “Risky Business” (white button-down, tighty-whiteys, and tube socks)

– Don Draper (Jon Hamm) from “Mad Men” (basically, a suit and a tie, slick your hair back, easy peasy)

– Tarzan (loin cloth. ‘Nuff said.)

– Spock (who doesn’t love Spock?)


1 Response to “halloween costume”

  1. 1 Tony
    October 27, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Best costume I ever say: a guy who went as Sylvia Plath. Mary Janes, plain brown dress, oven on the head.

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