15
Oct
10

homecoming

Reader N. S. writes:

My girlfriend is coming home this weekend from a year-long internship in England. We haven’t seen each other in a long time, and I want to make it really special. Any suggestions?

Dear N.S.:

I promised myself I wouldn’t mention this, but I have anecdotal evidence of the girlfriend’s return not being such a good thing. I took another unscientific survey of my guy friends and realized that many of them have been dumped directly after a GF returned from a long trip. With that in mind, I guess I should say steel yourself against that possibility and tread with caution. If you wow her on her first night back, she might consider keeping you. Or she might consider waiting a few days to dump you. I don’t know. Depends on the girl. I guess you should be prepared for it, but don’t expect it. What’s the fun in expecting to be dumped? Plan on romance, pure and simple.

Now that Debbie Downer is out, I’m going to jump into this with gusto and admit I got kind of excited when I read your question. This is going to be pure and utter fantasy from the brain of Kat Cox, and I’m going to enjoy this to no end.

I’d like to sum up the advice below with the following simple sentence: “Think like a girl; act like a man.” Yes, I am all about prescribed gender roles today. Muahahahaha.

Don't make her wait

If she has to wait for you at the airport, you've already failed. Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I hope you’re picking her up at the airport. Maybe I’ve just seen “Love Actually” too many times, but the reuniting of a couple at the airport can be one of the sweetest moments ever. If you are going to pick her up, my first advice is be a bit early, spring for the short-term parking instead of waiting by the curb (be a man, c’mon), and have something cute in your hands when she gets off the plane (think like a girl!). We all know I love flowers, but there’s are other cute things: a sign with her name on it, a teddy bear, or some piece of local food she’s probably been missing like hell since she was in England. (If you’re in New Mexico, the obvious answer here is some sort of green chile. Probably a breakfast burrito.)

Next up, carry her bags. (Act like a man!) She’ll be jet lagged and tired from traveling, so it’s just the sweet thing to do. And it makes you seem extra manly (act like a man!). Make sure the only thing she has to carry is her bag and whatever cute thing it is you just brought her. Let her talk about her trip entirely. Ask her questions about it. Keep the conversation on her. She probably has a lot she’d like to share with you. (Think like a girl.)

I should have given you some more prep info, come to think of it, because when you get her home, you’re going to want things to be perfect (think like a girl!). If you live together or are bringing her back to your place, clean it. Thoroughly. Clean sheets, clean towels, no dust, no dishes in the sink. Vacuum, sweep, and mop. Scrub the crud out of the bathtub and put some bubble bath out. Have some candles ready by the tub and by the bed.

I would say you could take her to a nice bed and breakfast, but honestly, she’d probably rather just be at home for a change. Let her dictate what she wants in terms of seeing friends or family. I assume the first night is at least going to be partially devoted to you, and she’s probably not going to want to make too many decisions. Just have light, easy, relaxing things planned — no fancy dinners out, no huge surprise parties.

Have food ready that you don’t have to do anything to. Cheese, fruit (chocolate covered strawberries are a good choice here), good bread, crudités (that’s “raw vegetables” in French). A good bottle of wine is a nice touch, too. But if she’s tired from traveling, she might prefer tea, or hot cocoa, or bourbon. (She’s your girlfriend, you tell me.)

When you get her home from the airport, let her put her bags down and do whatever she needs to relax. Encourage her not to unpack right away. Let her sit down. Let her chat. Draw her that bath with bubbles. Light the candles. Put on her favorite TV show (I don’t care if you’re going to have to miss your football game). Rub her feet. Give her a back rub. It’s a great excuse to get her naked. (That’s thinking and acting like a man, I guess.)

And while I know she’s been out of town for a long time and you haven’t been able to enjoy each other’s intimacy, don’t expect to get laid on her first night back. She’s tired and jet lagged. Let her rest. (Think like a girl!)

However, she might be so turned on by all the awesome sweetness you’re showing that she won’t be able to help throwing herself at you. Act like a man in this case, and go for it.

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1 Response to “homecoming”


  1. 1 Tony
    October 15, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    That… that really is the ultimate in downerism, right there at the beginning.


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