faking it

Reader B. O. asks:

What do you think about faking orgasms? Specifically, what do you think about men faking them? Is there ever an appropriate time for a man to fake an orgasm?

Dear B. O.:

Shameful! That’s what I think! Pshaw!

… Just kidding.

While it is sad to think that anyone would ever fake an orgasm, the truth is, I don’t think it’s necessarily bad. And “appropriate” may be the wrong word. I’d rather use “understandable”.

Yes, women are supposedly the fakers in the world of the big O. But men can fake it, too, and it’s especially easy if there’s a condom involved. You’re probably going to be surprised at this fact, but I think faking it is, for men, a lot more common than you probably think.

Let’s face it: sometimes the pressure to perform is too much. If you’re stressed out, drunk, tired, or whatever, you might not make it all the way to climax. As girls, we all know this feeling, perhaps all too well. Personally I’ve never felt the need to fake it, although I may have let a guy think I’d finished when I hadn’t, just to take the pressure off. If directly asked, of course, I would admit the truth. But for the most part, it’s never my partner’s fault, so I would never want him to feel bad about my shortcoming. Is it appropriate for me to fake it in this situation? Maybe not. Understandable? Sure!

Why would it be any different with guys?


This guy voted "most likely to fake it later". Image: Boaz Yiftach / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I took an informal survey just now, and of the seven guys I asked, four admitted to actually faking it, and one admitted to trying once and failing at the fake out (mostly as a joke, he says). They all agreed they have experienced situations where faking could happen (intoxication, stress, you know, those things I listed above), and one friend said, “Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.” For the most part, the guys who never faked it said, “I’d just tell her it wasn’t going to happen.” And they all admitted they’ve had cruddy orgasms or nights where it just wasn’t going right.

So from my informal research, I would say that while some guys just quit if they can’t finish and confess the issue to their partner, 4 out of 7 will fake an orgasm to get it over with. That’s more than half. I told you — surprising, huh.

Yes, my friends might be special cases, and this is an informal survey. But that is a surprisingly high number, even amongst my guy friends.

And to be honest, I don’t have a problem with this. I think sex can be more than just getting off, so while I would hope a guy wouldn’t feel the need to fake it around me, I can completely understand why someone would. Especially if it’s a one night stand or you’re with someone you’ve never been with before and nerves are high, things can take longer than you might want them to. If you’re not comfortable telling a partner you can’t climax, that’s where the faking it option comes in.

Do I think this is dishonest? No. Or at least, not exactly. I’d like to think everyone can be honest with themselves and with each other all the time, but I understand that there are times it just doesn’t feel right and I accept the little white lie to save someone’s feelings. Some people get really hurt if they think they’re not “good enough” to get their partner off. Several of my girlfriends who partook in another informal survey said they would be disappointed if their guy couldn’t finish. “I should be enough for him,” one said. However, one or two admitted that if he’s going to fake it, he’s got your feelings in mind at least. “If he’s faking it, he wants to please,” said one friend.

Of course, there is a huge difference between a physical problem and a night or two of nerves. If he can’t get it up the first time you’re gettin’ busy, that’s one thing. If this problem is consistent, there may be a medical problem. And let’s not discount the affects of age, smoking, anti-depressants ,or other drugs on someone’s ability to finish.

My advice to you is this: don’t worry about it. For the most part, if a guy is faking, it’s not a big deal for you, as long as it’s not consistent. (Then you may need to have a talk. Of course, how would you know…?) If you’re in a long-term, committed relationship, there’s more to your sex life than orgasms, and I would hope he would be able to tell you he’s not up for it when he’s not. Even guys go through sexual phases, and they’re not always horn dogs who just can’t wait to get off. Don’t let your feelings be hurt if a guy fakes it and you find out about it. You can tell him you’d prefer he just tell you he can’t finish, and he may feel more comfortable the next time it happens. If there is a next time, that is.

And let’s be fair here: if you’re a faker yourself, you have no right to get mad at a guy for faking. If you’re not a faker yourself, okay, yeah, you can talk to your guy about it if you suspect something. But I think you’ll find he’s just thinking of you.

Finally, my advice to the guys who are fakers: it’s okay. You can tell us. Most of us would rather know you’re not going to finish than have you fake it. We’ll still love you.


2 Responses to “faking it”

  1. 1 damfino
    October 11, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Orgasms are just cherries on top of an awesome sex sundae. Sure, eating the cherry is a plus, but the majority of my pleasure is having the chocolate ice cream, fudge sauce, whipped cream, peanuts, etc. etc. etc. 😀

  2. 2 DÄBé
    October 11, 2010 at 11:17 am

    I don’t know what the big deal is….you just get one of those fake junk-like prostheses you use for passing drug tests, and use more appropriate fluids. And it’s not like there’s a shortage of semen out there. Try eBay (for the frozen stuff) or Craigslist (if you prefer local, fresh product). In a pinch, Wildroot Hair Cream with a few drops of Clorox will work….like the ads said…”A little dab’ll do ya!”

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