the missing libido

Reader L. G. writes:

So, lately, I just haven’t felt like having sex. At all. And I’m kinda’ worried about it. I’m young, and not anywhere near menopause, and my periods are regular, and all that. But I’ve just lost the urge to get down and dirty. What’s wrong with me?

Dear L.G.:

Thinking that there’s something wrong with you is the first thing you’ve got to quit if you want this issue to resolve. As women, we go through various phases in our lives that can have an effect on our libido. Stress, weight gain or loss, emotions, hormones, pressure from cultural norms… almost anything can be detrimental to your urge to get it on. It’s perfectly normal to go through periods of lessened desire, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Just by believing there’s something wrong with you, you may be making the problem worse. So let that thought go.

mmm libido

Mmm, libido. Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Next up, check out your stress levels. The number one reason our libidos go away is because our minds are elsewhere. What’s been going on in your life? It’s not like recognizing the stressors is going to make them magically go away, but it’s the first step to dealing with them productively. Find a stress-coping method that works for you. Making lists, practicing meditation, exercise… these are all excellent ways to deal with your stress. Also, try your best to eliminate them, or at least find a light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaking of exercise: that is probably the number one way to levitate your libido, btw. The chemicals your body produces when you run, lift weights, do yoga, or anything else that increases strength, stamina, and tone are also the same chemicals that make you wanna’ do the nasty. Also, if your body looks good and you feel good, you’re probably going to be a lot more willing to get down to business.

Something that may sound counterintuitive but is really important to restoring your sexy time is JUST DO IT. As women, we often have a disconnect between our brains, our hearts, and our sex drives. Apparently, most of the time, we don’t even know we’re aroused. It ends up your body is a lot more willing to have sex than you think it is. In fact, if you initiate sex even when you’re not really feeling like it, you will probably find that you are feeling like it by the time things get really hot and heavy.

Drink a glass of wine, watch a sexy movie, get out your sex toys — do whatever it takes to put your body in the place where it’s ready to have sex, even if your brain isn’t. Learn to let your brain go and just let your body enjoy itself. Forget the cultural pressures of “being good” or “being feminine”. Yes, it’ll take a lot of time and practice, but it’s very worth it when you’re there.

Of course, it is important that you trust your partner, and that you don’t feel pressured to have sex. The fact that you don’t want to have sex may be a sign that there’s something desperately wrong in your relationship with your partner. You may need a good, long talk with your significant other about what’s going on. You may need counseling. You may need time off. You may need a new partner or a really good vibrator. Listen to your heart here and be honest with yourself. Other than self-love, sex is generally a two-way street.

If you’re really concerned and are still having trouble, you should probably go see a doctor. You know those pills for male erectile dysfunction? They’re starting to develop stuff for the ladies, too. (Sure, not much of it is proven to do anything yet, but you may catch a nice placebo effect somewhere along the line.) If you’re hurting “down there” or experiencing something that makes you uncomfortable having sex, you should definitely see a doctor. Don’t let embarrassment get in the way of your sexual health. A lot of issues can be fixed with various medications. It’s a wonder what they can do these days.

But overall, just calm down and listen to your body. That’s the most important aspect of this situation. You may just not be in the mood for a bit. It’s okay. We don’t always have to be vixens all the time. You’re not frigid or ruined if it’s not the right time for you. Take your time and take care of yourself first and foremost. The sex will come later.


2 Responses to “the missing libido”

  1. 1 damfino
    September 21, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    If you’re in a relationship and feeling even slightly dissatisfied with your partner, evaluate that first. It was a long circuitous road of birth control pills and anti-depressants before finally unloading the BF and that’s what got the libido up and running again.

    Also, stress is the biggest buzzkill on the planet. It’s hard to turn off the wheels in your head, lay back, relax, and ENJOY – but it’s necessary.

    Terrific post today, Kat!

  2. 2 Consuelo
    September 21, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Call me up “L.G.” I’ve got a PhD in Pretty Hot and Dirty. Ayechiwawa!

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