operation get a girlfriend

Reader B.K. writes:

I want to implement Operation: Get a Girlfriend in 3 Months. What’s the best things a guy can do and the best way to meet and land a quality girlfriend?

Dear B.K.:

I’ve written a few times about how to meet people, but finding, getting, and keeping a girlfriend can be a different world altogether. Here are a few things I recommend:

Abandon all hope.

Okay, not quite that drastic, and I’m sorry to be a buzz kill, but the fact is, the more you stress out about finding a girlfriend, the more desperate you’re going to smell, and the less likely a girl is going to want to be with you. Go with the flow and be easy about things. It takes time to cultivate a relationship, and it takes work to meet someone in the first place. So just chill out. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen.


This could be you. Image: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Know what you want.

Make a list of the qualities you absolutely want and the qualities you absolutely don’t want in a girlfriend. There are certainly things we can all fudge on, but you should know your dealbreakers. Don’t let the fact that you want a girlfriend blind you to the fact that you want her to be the right girlfriend. (That’s desperation, which is, again, a major turn off.) Does she need to live on this continent? Does she need to know how to dance? Does she need to be a certain religion? Do you care whether or not she recycles? Know the answers to questions like these.

Open yourself up to new possibilities.

You probably already go to work and have “extra-curriculars” where you spend your free time. It’s those extra-curriculars that are the best place to meet someone, so if you haven’t met someone in your current set up, switch it up. Try a new sport, a new class, a new bar, a new dating website. Keep doing things you enjoy, but broaden your list of things you enjoy. Make yourself open to the universe.

Enlist your friends.

Have them set you up with someone. It can’t hurt, can it? But they should also be aware that you’re looking. Most of us assume our single friends are looking for true love, but we forget about it. Remind them. Later, when you’ve got the girlfriend, you’re going to need these friends to help you grow as a couple, too. Don’t ever lose your friends because you’re in a serious relationship. While you may not have the same amount of time to give them when you’ve got the gf as you have when you are single, you should definitely make sure you make some time for them.

Make yourself awesome.

If you want an awesome girlfriend, you have to be awesome yourself. Focus on making yourself the best possible person you can be. Again, taking a class or starting a new hobby or sport is the best way to do this. The more time you spend on making yourself better, the more likely it is that you’ll meet someone who’s worth your time. I highly recommend volunteering for something you are passionate about. Clean cages at the animal shelter. Feed the homeless on Saturdays. Fundraise for a political candidate. Spend one night a week entertaining seniors. These are all very easy things that will make you a better, and therefore more desirable, person. This should keep up when you’re in the relationship, too. The best couples in the world are those who have their own lives and can complement each other. Don’t make your life about having a girlfriend; make your girlfriend a part of having a life.

Practice your boyfriend skills.

Are you prepared to give a girl the attention she’s going to need? Spend some time with your actual friends who are girls and figure out what they like and how they tick. Treat them like pseudo girlfriends without the sex or romantic dates. You should definitely warn them you’re going to do this, or they could get the wrong idea. Just let ’em know it’s friendly and you’re practicing. Study the feminine. Every girl is different, but eventually you can develop your own feminine side enough that you can at least deal with the general differences between yourself and the females around you. Your lady friends will probably be more than willing to help you out. Your research skills will be honed and ready when you do meet the girl you want to be serious with, and while there’s always a period of “training” in relationships (you’ll be training her, too), it’ll be easier for you to get the hang of it if you’ve already got some practice.

Be honest with the ladies you meet.

Don’t pressure them, but let them know you’re looking for something serious. A lot of girls are really game for it, but you don’t want to waste your time with the girls who aren’t looking for boyfriends. There’s a rumor that guys are the ones who are commitment-phobes, but to be honest, I think most of the time it’s the girls who have the trouble with it in relationships. Remember that if she’s not interested in a serious relationship, regardless of what her other qualities are, she’s not the right girl for you. Be prepared to move on.

Forget that three month deadline.

You could have a girlfriend in three days, or six years. Unfortunately there’s very little that your imposed timelines can do about it. What’re you going to do if you don’t get a gf by Xmas this year? Become a priest? I doubt it. Knowing you want a girlfriend is a first good step, but I can’t emphasize enough how important it is that you not stress out about it. She’ll show up. I promise. You may have to move to New York to find her, but you will.


4 Responses to “operation get a girlfriend”

  1. 1 Jeremy
    September 17, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    …New York huh?

    • September 17, 2010 at 2:30 pm

      … or any big city where there are large swaths of single folk. I’m just saying, if you’re living somewhere and you really can’t find what you want in a significant other, you might have to consider moving. Or lower your standards. And I definitely can’t get behind that 😉

  2. 3 Richard
    September 17, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    I think the letter writer is male and that Kat’s advice seems more tailored to, well, not to actual guys. So, the quick route to landing a GF:

    Get off the couch. Seriously. If there was a woman there you probably wouldn’t be looking for one. Unless you live with your parents, loser. First stop – bathroom mirror. Would you want to hang out with that person? Clean yourself up. Quit dressing like a bum. Buy some fashionable shoes and keep them clean. Cut your nails, make it a habit. Floss. Scrub your tongue ’til it’s pink again. Schedule the dentist if need be. These quick easy less-than-skin-deep things make a huge difference because first impressions are crucial. If this somehow clashes with your ideals or self image, grow the fuck up already.

    Now get out of the house. The world is full of women. Seriously. Grow a pair, approach, introduce yourself, and see where it goes. If she’s interesting, then ask for what you want. A date? A hookup? Just don’t be a dick about it. Always be nice – as in pleasant, not solicitous. If you can’t say it with a smile or a grin, don’t say it.

    Dating sites give you a bigger pond to splash around in, the water’s fine.

    Treat the meeting/dating cycle as a practice routine. You’re not out there trying to find the perfect mate, you’re just practicing. No pressure. It’s perfectly fine to chat up women you have no intention of dating. People are interesting, talk to them.

    Keep practicing and you’ll probably have someone within weeks. But … She’s probably not a keeper. You have to hook a lot of fish before you land your princess. Wear a rubber.

  3. 4 Tim
    September 18, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Good advice from both Kat and Richard, though Richard’s is a little more practical. I’d like to add one important component: exercise! Not only will it boost your visual appeal to the ladies, but it will (more importanly) boost your confidence, which is the most attractive feature you can have anyway. If you’re not willing to put this much investment into your own health and well-being, why would anyone else want to invest in a relationship with you?

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