23
Aug
10

a note on suicide

To anyone who has or is currently contemplating suicide: a note on its effect on me.

1. Physical

  • I can’t eat. The thought of food makes me nauseous. This isn’t sexy, “ooh imma lose weight” not eating. Half-eaten bananas, unswallowed bites of protein bars, unfinished enchiladas litter my life. It is miserable. Have you seen “Pirates of the Caribbean”? When Captain Barbosa is describing the turn to a zombie: “…the food turned to ash in our mouths.” That is it.
  • I can’t sleep. Regardless of whether or not I take sleeping pills, I wake up at 4. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.
  • My heart pounds, fast and hard.
  • I get searing, blinding migraines that leave me weak from pain, vomiting, and exhaustion.
  • I become dehydrated from the incessant crying. A dull ache resides behind my eyes whether I have a migraine or not.

2. Emotional

  • Did I mention the incessant crying? In the shower, in the car, at my desk, out for a run. I cry so hard my dog growls at me.
  • I listen to songs that reflect my anger, sadness, complete loss of hope, helplessness:

“Go or Go Ahead” by Rufus Wainwright
“The Needle Has Landed” by Neko Case
“Elle G.” by the Newsboys
“William and Maggie” by Charlie Peacock
“Waltz #2” by Elliott Smith
“I Promise to Try” by Leona Naess

    … and they all make me cry. I hope they will help bring catharsis. But I keep crying.

    • I have lost all faith in love. Because if my love mattered, you’d still be here. You have issued the ultimate “fuck you” to my love having any power to do anything.
    • I can’t trust anyone. I ask too much of them and they can’t deliver. People who don’t know you have no idea how to react to me.
    • I am manic and anxious. I can’t be still. I can’t enjoy time with people. I can’t be in one place longer than ten minutes.
    • I miss you. Achingly. Eternally. I crave you in dreams. I see you in other people everywhere. I write you letters at 4am. I would give everything I have to hear your voice. I would kill someone to see you. There is no relief.

    3. Automatically

    This all happens without my permission or say. I relive it every time, whether it was my best friend or a colleague. There is no time in this, no beginning or end, just a looping cycle that returns and beats me, a black wave, a sun flare. I can be rational. I can see it coming. I can write it down. No matter. Your death has thrown a wrench in my life’s wheels. I limp on.

    4. Promise

    I hereby swear I will never inflict this upon you. I would never do this to you. That is my lesson: compassion for the leftover living.

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    1 Response to “a note on suicide”


    1. 1 Lena
      August 23, 2010 at 10:23 pm

      Kat,
      I have never seen someone write so poetically and with such truth the feelings of what it is like to be someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. My friend Kristina killed herself several years ago and it still hurts so much. I love you and I promise that I would never ever do that to you.


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