leaving early etiquette for guys

Today we’re going to take a break from our normal format of question and answer and simply write an essay (thank you Mr. Noble for the suggestion).

It has come to my attention that dudes don’t really understand how a woman feels when you “act like a panda” (eat, shoot, and leave).  What I mean is, if you go over to a girl’s house, have sex with her, and then leave, it will inevitably make her feel bad unless at least one of the following three conditions is met:

  1. She’s a hooker and you’ve paid her.
  2. You’re just a booty call and she doesn’t care about you (in which case she may be somewhat hurt that you don’t at least pretend to care about her, but she probably won’t say anything).
  3. You’ve told her before the sex that you’re leaving and have explained why. (And it probably had better be a really good reason.)

For the sake of clarity, let’s define terms.

“Leaving early” means getting up, getting dressed, and leaving for your own abode or somewhere else before an appropriate night of sleep has taken place (or at least been attempted). This includes when you get up silently at 3 am because you’ve been tossing and turning and take off without saying goodbye. If you’re going to do this, you have to at least wake her up and/or kiss her on the cheek, or she’s going to be pissed/hurt/devastated when she wakes up alone.

“A hooker” is anyone who is paid for sexual acts.

Panda Bear

Don't be that guy. Image: Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“A booty call” is a sexual partner whose intended role in someone’s life is just sex, when sex is desired. It can sometimes include dating, but more often than not, this is not the case. It tends to be a mutual agreement. No money changes hands, either (because that would make one party or the other “a hooker”).

“Feeling bad” in this case most often means you have made someone who is not a hooker feel like one, or made someone who thought she was not a booty call feel like one, and they probably want to cry about it and they might be really angry. For instance, if you have actually discussed pursuing an actual relationship with a girl, and told her you don’t think of her as just a hook up, you are going to make her “feel bad” if you leave immediately after having sex, regardless of what your excuse is.

Here are a few tips to avoid this situation:

– Tell her beforehand that you have to leave at a given time and for a given reason. Don’t just spring the news afterwards.

– If you know you’re going to be too busy to stay the night, maybe it is better just to tell her so and come over another time. Or avoid having sex during the short period of time you have before you have to leave again. This sounds hard, but it’s not really.

– As mentioned before, wake her up if you’re going to leave in the middle of the night and explain that you’re having trouble sleeping. She’ll still feel bad, but she won’t feel as bad as waking up alone without an explanation and possibly with your change still on the dresser.

– Have sex and then have dinner, watch a movie, or something else “active” yet “intimate”. This actually removes the “appropriate amount of sleeping time” clause, because you don’t sleep during dinner or a movie. She may still be sad that you’re leaving when you do, but she’ll probably be much more forgiving.

– Don’t tell hookers or booty calls that you’re interested in pursuing a relationship with them when you really aren’t. Even if you think you’re just joking, they might not. And hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. For serious.

If you have already trespassed and you’ve got a girl mad at you, and you’ve decided she’s definitely not a hooker or a booty call, here are some tips for making it up to her:

– Avoid offering “making it it up to her” via anything having to do with sex. Again, we’re trying to establish the idea in your head that sex is not a currency for most women. While you might be fine with her “paying you back” in sexual favors for something, she’s probably not going to feel the same way about it. This is why you’re in the situation in the first place.

– Surprises. Good surprises, not like, “Surprise! We’ve got the clap!” or “Surprise! I’m leaving town for a weekend in Vegas with my buddies and you’re not invited!” Try something like, “Surprise! I’m apologizing for being a dick, even though it didn’t even occur to me that you would think I was being a dick! Here is a bouquet of flowers!” or “Surprise! I got us tickets to the opera!” or “Surprise! I want to take you shoe shopping!” They don’t have to be mega huge amazing things, just events, services, or gifts that show you went out of your normal way to do something for her. Even just sharing your feelings and apologizing when you normally don’t will probably suffice. Personally, I would recommend a surprise pizza. Pizza is all I want in the world right now, and I know I have a few girlfriends who feel similarly.

– Make a good effort not to do it again. That’s usually a good sign you’ve learned your lesson.


5 Responses to “leaving early etiquette for guys”

  1. 1 jayem
    July 21, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Amen Sista! Preach it!

  2. 2 damfino
    July 21, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    wow, fer realz??? I have no problem with the guy leaving afterwards, but like you said, if it’s agreed to beforehand… no hard feelings!

  3. 3 Geoff
    July 22, 2010 at 6:55 am

    I don’t know about you, but I usually do fall asleep during movies. I guess it’s just my inner 80 year old coming out to play.

  4. July 26, 2010 at 9:53 am

    So glad I came across your blog here!!! Fabulous lady…I love it!!
    The Bonus here for me personally is the validation I just received by reading these last two comments… Yeah, am I like 100 years old or something? I dunno, but I just can’t seem to get comfy to watch a movie at home and NOT fall asleep…..GEESH…
    Anyway..thanks to you and Geoff, I now finally realize I’m not the “only one”..yayy:)
    Great blog Kat!

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