03
May
10

more dating tips for straight boys

Reader V. J. asks:

I am so tired of dating right now. It’s like guys have no idea what they’re doing. Can you do me a solid and make a list for guys of what we ladies would like in a dating relationship? Ugh!

Dear V.J.:

You ask so much of me!

But here are a few things the modern boy should know about asking the modern girl out:

heart heart heart

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Make a plan. Don’t just be all, “We should go out some time.” Have a time, and a place, where we should go out. It’s not hard. For the Burqueños among us, the Alibi has a great calendar of events. And I know most cities in the world have a free paper or online listing. Find something to do and make the date! Even just “dinner at 7pm at Scalo” will be enough to let us know you’ve thought this through a little bit. If you really wanna’ snag the lady, make it some place and some thing interesting.

Call a day or two in advance to plan things. Some of us have schedules, you know. We may not be willing to drop everything just to go out on your whim. You have a much better chance of getting us to go out with you if it doesn’t seem like we’re a last ditch effort because your other date canceled. It doesn’t matter if you make the schedule via email, text, or phone call, just get it done.

Flowers. Yes, that’s right. FLOWERS. They’re an old school touch, and not all girls swoon for ’em. But they tell us, “I was thinking of you.” Don’t bring ’em on the first date, especially if it’s a dinner-and-a-movie type affair, because no girl wants to carry around a bunch of flowers. (Okay, maybe some girls do… but only the weird ones. I once got roses for Valentine’s Day right before a class in my undergrad years, and one of the girls in the class shook her head and said, “C’mon, Kat, nobody likes the girl with the flowers.”) Send ’em to her house. Or bring ’em when you pick her up for date #2 so she can put them in water before you head out for the evening.  You can pick up a nice, interesting bouquet for under $10 at the grocery store. They’re sweet. And they’re not intrusive. And one size fits all! You can get creative if flowers are a little too “generic” for you, too. It’s the gesture that counts. It’s just supposed to be something small and lovely that they can enjoy when you’re gone.

Tell her how fantastic she looks. Or smells. If you like her, let her know. She’s probably done little touches to her hair or make up or something to make the evening special. Is she wearing a really nice dress? Are her earrings awesome? Even if she hasn’t gone out of her way, you’re not going on a date with her because she’s awful. Find one thing you like about her and tell her, without her having to ask for it or compliment you first.

Offer to pay for dinner (or the movie, or whatever). I know, I know, I’m a feminist and this isn’t a particularly feminist idea. But once again, like flowers, offering to pay for dinner is an old school, charming thing to do. We do make 80 cents to every dollar you make in a comparable profession, and most of the time, our professions don’t compare. Not a very modern sentiment, but at least offering to fit the bill won’t make most women head to the hills. We may insist on paying for ourselves, but you can still offer. (BTW, ladies — I’ve heard a rumor that not letting a guy pay for dinner means you’re definitely “just friends”. Make sure you keep that in mind and use it to your advantage, one way or another.)

Be somewhat aggressive. I’m not advocating slapping her ass on her way to the bathroom, but put forth a little effort. Know what you want and be willing to ask for it. Make the first move if you want to make it. We may be a bit more empathic than you, but we’re not mind readers. Show a little bravery and most of the time, it’ll be rewarded. In spite of the whole women’s lib movement, we aren’t always ready to do all the work ourselves.

Don’t bring up commitment on the first date. Even if you think we’re “the one”, it’s not appropriate. Nothing says “desperate and lonely” like a guy who wants to know “where this is going” after the first bite of sushi. Keep a lid on it until at least a month has gone by. That should be at least four dates, FYI.

Follow up. If you had a good time, send us a text message to let us know and ask if we can see each other again. That old “wait three days” rule is total bunk. You can wait three days to make a new plan, but letting us know you enjoyed yourself should happen pretty quickly after the event has gone down. If you didn’t have a good time, no need to follow up.

Take rejection well. If we say “no” to something for whatever reason, deal with it. Whether it’s “no, I don’t want to kiss you” or “no, I can’t go out tonight because I have plans”, you should be able to suck it up and handle it. Don’t get mad, or tell us that it isn’t fair, or whatever. A no doesn’t mean “it’s over”, and it doesn’t mean “I hate you and you’re worthless”. So don’t take it like that. Roll with the punches and you may recover.

Ladies, am I missing anything?

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4 Responses to “more dating tips for straight boys”


  1. 1 Lena
    May 10, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Yes. Do not talk about your ex-girlfriend and do not let us catch you checking out another girl.
    If you’re gonna do it, do it on the sly.Checking out a girl while trying to impress your date will automatically put you in the “just friends” category.

  2. 2 Anna
    May 19, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Great post! I am personally sick of boys who entirely miss the point. Hey dude, I am expecting you to show some effort here, okay? I’m doing my bit, you do yours. Last boy I was interested made absolutely no indication he was into me, then got all upset when I stopped flirting with him and making an effort to hang out with him. What did you think was going to happen here, moron?

    Okay. Calming down now.

    But yeah, great post, whoo!


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