getting over it.

Reader J.T. asks:

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. We’d only been together a few months, but it wasn’t a pretty break up and it hurts like hell. What can I do to get over him?

Dear J.T.,

sad snowman

A sad snowman felt like the appropriate image for a sad break up. Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Getting over a break up (or anything else, for that matter) is a long, hard process. Really, the only thing I can tell you is that it takes time. Break ups are like scabs that just have to have time to heal over. As the ever-wise Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City told us, it takes half as long as you were with someone to get over them. Luckily you were only with this fellow for a few months, so halve that and you’ll be ready to go. I call this “the half-life of hurting”.

However, just waiting for time to pass isn’t very pro-active, so here are a few other ideas to help you get the hell over him:

Block all possible ways to contact him.

Get his number out of your phone. Block him on Facebook. Delete his email address and mark it as spam. If you have to get rid of mutual contacts too, it’s understandable, if somewhat extreme. The fact is, if you talk to him/text him/read his emails/stalk him on Facebook, you’re going to want to get back together. Or if you don’t want to get back together, you’re just going to feel worse about the break up. Avoid contact at all costs.

Go out and have fun.

Do not sit at home and mope. Get out of your own head. Go out! Preferably with good friends that make you laugh. Go dancing, go running, go hiking, go knitting, just go. Even if you don’t feel like it, get out of your house. Distract yourself. Movies are particularly good for this (just avoid the romantic comedies). This will make the time pass faster. And you may meet someone new while you’re at it. And speaking of it…

Meet someone new.

If you live in a city like mine, meeting people can be a very tough venture, but it’s never impossible, no matter where you live. Join an Internet dating site and get out there. Or join a less romance-centered group, like meetup.com or a volleyball team. You don’t need to find someone to replace your ex; just someone that will make the time pass faster. Find people with similar interests and hang out.

Find a new hobby.

I think people should do this regularly whether they’re going through a break up or not, but a new hobby is an awesome way to make the time pass. And make yourself more interesting in the process. Start collecting something, like a specific type of porcelain or furniture that you can find cheaply at estate sales and antique shops. Or start LARPing. Or learn everything you possibly can about the British monarchy, and get all the books out of the library about it. (It’s not a hobby if you’re just reading stuff off Wikipedia.) Whatever the hobby is, it has to be something you’re so interested in that you’ll do it even when it’s snowing outside or you’re hungover. Once again, joining a group that does this hobby can be awesome, or you can just do it on your own.

Take really good care of yourself.

This serves two purposes: 1. You’re going to feel crappy anyway, so eating right and exercising will make you feel better. 2. Nothing says “revenge” like living well. Imagine how fantastic you’ll feel the next time he sees you and you’re hotter than ever. Get your hair did, get your nails done, and tone your leg muscles. Even if you don’t want him back (and I hope you don’t), you’ll feel like the queen of the world when you waltz past him at a party or a bar, completely confident in your total hotness and feeling like a million bucks.

Let yourself cry.

Allow yourself to cry a lot. Get it out. Put on that love song that just gets you. Scream if you need to. But the caveat here is to only let it go on for 10 minutes. After that, you’re overindulging. Make yourself stop, and change your surroundings so you’re not tempted to keep going. I highly recommend going out for a cup of green tea in a nice, relaxing tea shop. Just get away from whatever can remind you that you’re sad.

Hopefully following these steps will make the time pass so quickly, you won’t even remember him when the half-life of hurting is over.


5 Responses to “getting over it.”

  1. 1 Consuelo
    March 25, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Women are cruel…why would she need to get “revenge” on a guy she herself broke up with? Maybe the dude is still hopelessly in love with her? Bleh.

    • March 25, 2010 at 1:03 pm

      thinking of it as revenge is somewhat strange, as the reasoning behind “looking and feeling good” isn’t really to make him feel bad; rather it’s about making herself feel good. and this was about her getting over -him- … if he wants to get over her, he can follow the same steps.

  2. March 25, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Reverse-stalk him! Meaning, post hot and fun new photos of your activities up on Facebook so he has no choice but to stalk and look for you.

    Paying to have posed/rented photos in the most amazing places is not necessary, but encouraged.

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