back to frustationville.

well, i got turned down for an entry-level position i was totally banking on. furthermore, one of my long-term freelance writing clients has apparently black listed me, and won’t even respond to my emails asking what’s going on. i’m pretty sure it’s political, but being a paranoid melancholic girl like myself, my brain keeps saying, “YOU DID SOMETHING REALLY WRONG.” i feel like a dog being chastised with a newspaper to the nose who has no idea what he did wrong.

a few years ago i had a really stupid, airhead boss who was awful to me. she was just. terrible. my coworkers hated her, too. i wrote a story about her in which she was inviting people to her wedding, but the invitations kept coming back either marked as “NO” or “return to sender”. she couldn’t figure out the fact that nobody liked her. even the people she thought were her friends hated her, and she was just too daft to figure it out. she made excuses for them in her head, like, “oh, they must be busy,” or, “oh, they just forgot to give me their new address.”

i feel like that character right now. my friends keep turning me down for things, and i know it’s because they’re busy or sick, but it feels like they’re just trying to hide from me the fact that they hate me. they don’t trust me. they think i’m annoying. they find me stupid, irresponsible, insupportable.

and i feel annoying and grating. i feel needy. i’m so ashamed of myself for being unable to do anything i just want to hide.

and with the job applications? wtf? i look so awesome on paper, and i know i interview well, so what’s with all the rejections? i can say to myself, “ah, bad economy,” or, “i’m overqualified,” or, “i obviously cost too much for this environment.” but deep down inside my soul is saying, “you’re stupid. you’re a complete idiot. you DON’T look good on paper, you DON’T interview well, and furthermore, everyone finds you annoying and awful.”

a friend has suggested i try to get a shitty interim job. i’ve tried. i can’t do it. it’s more discouraging having one of those than being unemployed. i can’t work for someone who’s stupider than me, i can’t work at a place where i stand all day and smile, i can’t work some place that pays less than what i was making at my college not-for-profit.

yes, i’m a snob when it comes to work. which makes me even MORE annoying, i’m sure.

there are my complaints for the week. again. same old, same old, i know. but i feel like i have no options open to me for change. i try and i try and nothing comes of it.

so i officially give up.


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