weddings and nostalgia

sometimes i get nostalgic and go looking for that ex boyfriend i haven’t heard from in years, or the one i screamed at to tell him i never wanted to see him again, just to see how they’re doing. it’s a mix of nostalgia, self-hatred, and hope. and it never ends well.

even though i have been “over” people for several years, it still feels like a knife in the stomach when i find out someone

you know i'd look better in this dress

you know i'd look better in this dress

i was head over heels for has gotten engaged. it’s one of those moments when my pride, melancholy, and wistfulness overcome my rationality and the pit of my stomach rules over my head.

my first reaction is the ever-obvious and petty: “but he was always supposed to be in love with meeeee!”

the second pain is a bit more complicated, and involves wondering why he didn’t tell me firsthand. of course i know why he didn’t tell me firsthand — would you call an ex girlfriend you haven’t spoken to in years to tell her you’re engaged and happy and this girl is everything she’s not? no no no. you’re not thinking that. chances are, the exes haven’t thought of me in years, and why should they?

and finally i’m left with the fact that i’m happy for him, in a bittersweet way, wishing him the best, and wishing i could tell him that’s how i feel.

i also have an urge to show that i’m happier, that my life’s more interesting, that i could never be so dull as to get married. (have a long-term boyfriend? oh, sure. that’s easy. that’s not marriage. i’m still fun!)
it’s all very petty and somehow it’s uncontrollable. i can’t talk myself out of feeling this sad nostalgia. i still want to be desired by exes. i guess we all do. (RIGHT?)

still, i’m uncomfortable and, given my current ex-effector-addict state, i’m still prone to crying frantically for almost no reason at all. maybe this is a good release.

let’s all go read Dear Old Love for a few hours and see how long our eyes stay dry, shall we?

photo courtesy of Free Digital Photos.


2 Responses to “weddings and nostalgia”

  1. 1 Lena
    October 14, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    I still get nostalgic about all boyfriends ( with the except of one). I totally cyber stalk old boys I knew in middle school. I will always love Josh Darnell.

  2. 2 Kerrie
    October 14, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    The internet is fantastic in a creepy stalker way. I was keeping tabs on my ex and jumped for joy when I found out Wells Fargo finally got off their ass and started foreclosure proceedings on the house. Now he’s dropped off the internet, and I find that I don’t care. It finally reached that point where I’m moving on and I couldn’t be happier.

    In my opinion, any woman can HAVE that SOB! If only they knew what they were getting into…

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