a touch of autumn

tonight i put on my autumn & winter perfume, classique by jean-paul gaulthier. i’ve been wearing this pink perfume for the past six years or so. maybe seven. it’s probably time to close it out and find something new, because it’s one of those scents that brings back a lot of pain with it.

i was reminded this time of the last two autumns i spent here at home in new mexico. one was my junior year of college, when i took a semester off. i came home from october through january, and wrote a lot. i exercised a lot, too. i remember it being rather nice. it didn’t snow here until christmas, and it was warm in the afternoons. i would get up in the mid-morning, go for a run, take a shower, and then go to the flying star with my glass pen that my sister got me in germany, and i would write. and then i would come home, have dinner with my parents, and maybe go out with friends for a bit. that was when i was falling in love with chris. we wrote letters and emails to each other every day. it was a time of promise, in spite of my fears.

the next time i was home in the autumn was when i lived here after college. i was working at the corrections department, an hour away in santa fe, and not liking it very much. i was confused by a lot of things. i was sad, too, from feeling like a failure, and from having chris being two thousand miles away. i didn’t know what i wanted in life. i didn’t really want to go to new jersey, but i didn’t want to be miserable in new mexico. i didn’t want to follow a man across the country, or stay with one in my hometown. i wanted to be luminous, but i didn’t feel that way.

and then i moved to new jersey. and stayed there for five years, with all the miserable people. i did have some good times. i admit it. i made some very excellent friends. i was in love, too, in spite of all my mistakes. i had fun. but the winters broke me down, and the cynicism, and the lack of love and light. and i felt far away when all the bad shit went down.

i was listening to rufus wainwright tonight and wearing my autumn perfume and it made me think of being younger, and of people i’ve loved who have gone away. i wonder if i will look back on this autumn at some point and feel fondly about it. i can’t say.

if anyone has a suggestion of a new warm autumn perfume, let me know.


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