i have become a bitter old woman.
i can’t just blame it on the meds or the withdrawal either, i think…
i realize a lot that i’m angry. it feels like it’s all the time, but it probably just feels that way when i’m in the midst of it (like… now). i’m angry about bigotry, and stupidity, and meanness. i’m mad at sourness and incompetence. and i’m mad most of all that i’m mad about things.

i want to call the companies that just can’t seem to do things right and yell at them and be furious. NYSC, i’m looking at you; comcast; verizon; any major phone or internet company; anywhere that has “customer service” as a phone line in india you have to call and then transfer through twelve different people to get anything done. drug companies that make these magic potions that do nothing except make money for the patent owners. pompous doctors who feel more inclined to remind you of their education than listen to you. but it’s not just the people that i’m supposedly paying to be nice to me, it’s the people everywhere who are just clamoring stupidly to take advantage of each other all the time. i simply loathe people most of the time. i expect them to be stupid. i expect them to be unforgiving of each other, and entitled. i expect them to be insufferable and selfish. and most of the time they are.

oh, but i was raised by nice folk, and in a good and trusting environment, where there are good people. sure, dad always locks the door at night and puts on the chain, whether he’s in omaha or albuquerque or dc, but in daylight hours i was taught to trust. and to seek out the good. even when i think someone is stupid beyond all manner of redemption, i will sit and listen to them and talk to them like i’m a caring wonderful person. i smile at the supermarket cashier even if they can’t be bothered to acknowledge my presence (which is, btw, mostly just an east coast affectation, although it does happen from time to time with check out counters in the west, mostly if the worker is a transplant from new jersey). even after i’ve glared at him, i assume the guy who cut me off in traffic while talking on his cell phone is probably talking to the ER nurse about his wife. i give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

and sometimes i have to say i’m surprised by people being really kinda awesome. like the ABQ police department. maybe it’s just because i’m a white girl with no record and no meth or weed on my person, but they are always super nice and helpful. even when they’re giving me a speeding ticket, actually, they’re very professional. more so than the cops in NJ, that’s for sure.

but for the most part, i feel like i’m being taken-advantage-of. i feel like a 75-year-old alzheimer’s patient whose identity is about to be stolen. i feel like my dad, putting the chain on the door at night, even though we live in albuquerque.

i’m angry most of all at myself for feeling this way. i go over lists in my head of times i should have stood up for myself, been angry, or just plain done better.

it is officially “morning” now, but it won’t be “daytime” for another hour or two. and by then i won’t be angry anymore.

but i’m still calling the call centers in my head and fuming. sometimes in french. it’s very dramatic, i assure you.


1 Response to “anger”

  1. 1 Jennifer
    September 18, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    So, it’s just my opinion I guess, but I feel like life is too short to spend it mad and upset all the time. i remember you telling me something like life is simply our own perception of it. So, we can make our lives whatever we want them to be. Whether we want them to be miserable with everything wrong in them, or whether we want them to be peaceful and exciting, or just plain boring. I don’t know. Just a thought.

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