27
Aug
09

sleeplessness

it’s very strange being on the brink of sleep at all times except when you want to sleep.

a word to the wise:
withdrawal from effexor i a nasty business. i am dizzy. i am cranky. i am sleepy. i am nauseous. and i can’t tell if it’s normal me or withdrawal me.

it’s 1.40 in the morning. i want to sleep. but i cannot.

at 6 this evening i could sleep just fine.

at 10 last night i could also sleep just fine.

and i could sleep last night from 3am to 1pm today. but not right now. and i can’t get up in the morning and do the work i need to do.

i feel absolutely crazy.
i feel like nothing good is ever going to happen ever again.
and i feel like my head is swimming in jello and i can’t read and i can’t think. this evening i actually typed the word “shoulders” when i meant “soldiers”. i was sober… well, at least in the sense that i hadn’t had anything to drink. my brain is just on some other planet.

and i feel like i’m not supposed to talk about it, either. i can tell people “my mom has breast cancer”, and that makes it ok that i’m spacy. but add to this “and i’m coming off some psychotropics”, and i’m a leper.

a doctor did this to me. a doctor said, “take these, they’ll help.” what he didn’t say was, “they help some people. mostly people who are in a really bad place. and/or lab rats.” what he didn’t say was, “they’re going to cost you more money than you make in a month.” and he never said, “they’re going to make you sleep every weekend of your life.” they did. i’ve slept every weekend for the past three years, unless i was forced out of bed. to this day, i sleep more than anyone else i know.

and i’m still sad.
sadness is not something that is counteracted with a pill. it is not a bacteria. it is not a virus. it is made better from sunshine and puppies, and sane sleep cycles. but not pills. not from what i can tell.

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1 Response to “sleeplessness”


  1. 1 lauren
    August 28, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    I’m on that effexor now and feel like I will never be able to come off of it. I understand what you are going through. And it sucks that the world doesn’t get it. Cheer up or look on the sunny side of things. Right. Don’t worry they just have to get the right “cocktail” and you will be better in a snap. F-ing doctors. I hate the one who put me on effexor. No one should ever take it.


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