27
Jan
11

initiating a threesome

Reader S. R. writes:

I want to have a threesome with my girlfriend. How can I initiate this?

Dear S.R.:

The first rule about threesomes is: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT THREESOMES.

Okay, that’s not really true, but the fact is, if you ask your girlfriend directly to have a threesome with you, you are very likely going to get a drink thrown in your face.

So my advice is that you wait for her to bring it up as her own idea.

yeah right

See? Her idea. And he's not happy about it. Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Of course, you can plant the seed in her brain and let it take root. Ask your girlfriend if she’s ever considered a threesome before. Gauge what she thinks about it.

Note that by suggesting you want a threesome, you could really hurt your girlfriend’s feelings. She may wonder if you don’t think she’s enough for you. And if you are a complete idiot and say you’d love to have a threesome with one of her friends, she will never ever trust you ever again. You’d basically be saying that you check out her friends when she’s around, and that is a huge no no.

Not everyone is open to that kind of sexuality. In fact, from my highly scientific IM research, most of my friends are generally opposed to it. Even the dudes. The most common answer to my scientific study via IM (“Would you ever participate in a threesome?”) was: it depends. Most of my friends who would be willing to participate in a threesome would only be willing to do so if it was with two people they’d never have to see again (i.e. not your girlfriend or boyfriend). And many of my friends said flat out that they don’t like to “share”. Furthermore, the ones who have done it say they’d probably never do it again.

As I’ve mentioned time and time again, not everyone is cut out to be polyamorous. It sounds fun and exotic, until you get down to how much hard work it really is. Dealing with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy and feeling like you’re comparing yourself to someone is really difficult. And don’t forget the awkward mechanics of a first threesome. It may just be a total bust.

You’ve also got to consider that she may not be into girls, if that’s what you’re thinking. Most of my girlfriends would only participate in a 2 guys, 1 girl kind of set up. So what if your gf only agreed to a threesome with another guy? How would you feel about that?

If you do find out that she’s open to having a threesome, remember that most of the time, these sorts of things have to be totally organic. Scheduling a threesome takes all the fun out of it, unless you’re going to join a swingers club or make this a regular part of your lifestyle. You can post an ad on Craigslist that you and your gf are looking for a third, but don’t be surprised if you get a lot of unsavory responses.

If you’re going to have a threesome without pre-arranging it or hiring someone to join in, you’re going to need to be in a setting where it’s probably going to happen. Your best bet is to play spin the bottle with a group after a night of drinking at a house party somewhere. Or something like that. The point is, don’t force anything. Let it happen. If your girlfriend wants to make out with another girl (or guy), then encourage it. You may find at the moment of truth that you’re too jealous to go through with it. Again, let her initiate it,

But realize that really desperately wanting a threesome is the worst thing you can do to yourself. The more you want it, the less likely it is to happen, and the less likely it is to be enjoyable if it does happen. And if your girlfriend isn’t open to it, you can get yourself in a whole lot of trouble.

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3 Responses to “initiating a threesome”


  1. 1 VMM
    January 27, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Whoa! KAT COX’S BLOG is in my head; this was what I dreamt of last night. Good advice and freakish dream-invading powers.

    Now, about convincing a reluctant male significant other to do this…

    • January 27, 2011 at 11:51 am

      GOOD QUESTION!
      I meant to add this, but you should probably read this and meditate on it a bit.

      The going wisdom is you just tell a guy you want a threesome and he’ll be thrilled. Not always the case. You’ve got to know your man. And you’ve got to figure it all out together.


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